Edquarters

A Letter to the Government

2011-04-08T13:17:00.002-05:00

Stolen from a friend on Facebook:

Hey Congress,
It's okay, go ahead and shutdown government operations for an indefinite period of time. One caveat: don't charge us for it. If you can't collaborate on something this important, you're paying for all the charges incurred. All of it. I know it seems mean, but it'll teach you responsibility. When you're grown up, you'll appreciate this lesson.

Truer words were never spoken. It's official (if it wasn't before): Our country is run by idiots, fanatics, and general imbeciles.

Blow Me, Microsoft

2010-12-05T15:48:00.003-06:00

Dear Microsoft,
I purchased an Xbox 360 over two years ago, and not even a year into my console's life, it dies on me, specifically, an E74 error.
I attempted to get a label shipped to me at a new address, however, I could not edit my address on xbox.com, because your website sucks. I never received a label, and when I could finally edit my address, it wouldn't save due to an "unexpected error".
Since the website was redesigned after the launch of Kinect, I was able to edit my address on the website. It turns out there's been a repair order placed on my system, which obviously couldn't be finished, since I couldn't get a label to send my system in.

So I canceled the repair order and went to place another one. Now I find out that I will be charged $100 because my system's warranty expired. Which wouldn't have happened if I was able to send my system in when it first died. So now you want me to pay you $100 more for a repair. Repairs on a system that has a 42-54% failure rate. So I have to pay for your fuck-up? Because you morons thought "Hey, maybe we don't need more fans in here", or "Yo, let's use these cheap-ass components. Nothing will go wrong here!".

No. I will not pay. You will fix my system for free. Luckily, I had a back-up Xbox. One that was repaired a long time ago, and took almost two months for me to get. You suck at customer service.

Close the Ballots...

2010-10-11T10:17:00.003-05:00

...we have a winner for the 2010 Darwin Awards.

A handicapped man in South Korea, obviously mad that the elevator went without him, proceeds to throw a fit and ram the elevator door with his wheelchair, plunging to his death at the end of things.

I could make a commentary on how moronic this guy is, but I think the video here does it justice.

How impatient are we these days that when we don't get instant gratification or get our way, we're willing to die to show how pissed we are? Maybe it would be understandable if this was a kid, but this is a grown-ass adult. There's no excuse. I hate to sound callous (no I don't), but this guy deserved it. Natural selection at its finest.

The Darwin Awards site said:

The authorities traced the "problem" to elevator doors that cannot withstand a large impact. Safety regulations were strengthened three years after the elevator was installed, to prevent accidents "such as might happen to children and drunks."

I'm pretty sure the problem was this guy ramming it. Yeah, the door looks like its made from material that makes Lindsay Lohan's willpower look mighty, but I don't think that its the elevator's fault. Were this to happen in America, the man's family would sue the place this occurred at, the elevator company, and the wheelchair manufacturer. They'd probably win too.

Like Blood From A Stone

2010-10-09T10:42:00.005-05:00

That's the summary if you're playing through Earth Defense Force 2017 for the Xbox 360.

EDF2017, published by Japanese company D3, is a throwback to the old days when games had no major storyline and fancy graphics and they were just plain fun. And hard. In EDF, you are Storm One, a nameless man fighting an alien invasion of giant robots, ants, and spiders. Lots and lots of robots, ants, and spiders.

That's a lot of ants.

The game boasts over 150 weapons and 5 difficulties. People shouldn't have a hard time beating the game on Easy and Normal, but the game gets absolutely BRUTAL on harder difficulties Hard, Harder, and Inferno. Some may complain about the graphics of the game not being the greatest, but for a Japanese import budget title, you really can't complain. Especially when the game is this much fun.

The whole game plays out in an awful, Ed Wood-style monster movie: giant bugs attack Tokyo, and you have to stop them. That's it. Kill the bugs.

And do it AWESOME.

The voice acting is awful B-movie cheese at its best. It's mindless fun, but I do have a few complaints about the game. First off, the game lags a lot when there's a ton of action on the screen, which is 80% of the time. Second, which sort of ties into the first complaint, is the lack of online cooperative play. With the lag in the main game, throwing online lag is a recipe for disaster. You can play split-screen with a second player, but shrinking your field of vision in a game like this tends to be a bad idea.
Third is the difficulty. I enjoy a challenge, but this game is ridiculous. Inferno mode is a one-or-two-hit-kill masochist paradise, if you aren't strong enough to fight the onslaught of hundreds of insects. And that's just the first level: you have 52 more to go.
Finally is the achievements. There are six: One for finishing the game on its five difficulties, and one for collecting all of the weapons in the game. I have played the game for 36 hours, and only have the Easy and Normal difficulty achievements.
The way to beat the game on harder difficulties is to get Armor drops from killing enemies, which increases your maximum health. I currently have about 3300 health. The maximum is somewhere in the neighborhood of 15,000.

I have a long way to go.

In all, its fun and for $12 now, you can have mindless fun too. Although I wouldn't recommend playing for long amounts of time: you'll get burned out quickly.

Saturday Musings

2010-10-09T08:46:00.006-05:00

So I'm sitting here at the radio station on a Saturday with some time to kill before my show-thing, so I figured I'd write some stuff I've been thinking of recently:

WHY: Do people who suck up and suck at their job get ahead of others who don't suck up and don't suck at their jobs?
I know a kiss-ass when I see one, and worse, someone who enjoys having their ass kissed. And if I had a leach permanently attached to my ass, I'd burn it off with a lighter. My ego doesn't constantly need to be stroked. People who need theirs stroked constantly have issues.

WHY: Is Panera Bread named St. Louis Bread Company in St. Louis, and Paradise Bakery in the West?
It's stationed in St. Louis, why not keep the name SLBC? Or Panera? Why change it across the country? Morons.

WHO: Is Atlas?
WHY: Does Gamestop insist on bugging the piss out of you when you go look at games?
I like to browse sometimes and see stuff I may buy. I don't need a clerk who 75% of the time knows what he/she knows about games from a script telling me about this "new and awesome" game coming out that I have no interest in. No, I'm not gonna buy the new Kane and Lynch game, no matter how awesome you tell me it is. Leave me be.

The girl's look is the exact one I have when I'm asked to subscribe to Game Informer, a magazine owned by Gamestop which is completely trustworthy and has no ulterior motives whatsoever.

WHY: Do game companies include useless crap in Special Editions and tack on an extra $30? A better question is why do people buy them?
I have bought 1 special edition game in my entire life: Fallout 3. Because I got an awesome bobble head out of it and it was an extra $5. Not 30 for some other superfluous stuff. I don't give a turd about extra costumes and gameplay stuff.
Sometimes I think that game companies keep stuff from the final product in order to nickel and dime people with downloadable goodies, but that's another post for another day.

Marriage Isn't a Right...For Anyone

2010-09-29T21:50:00.010-05:00

I mentioned in a previous post that I recently got engaged to a wonderful woman whom I love very much. Since then, I've been thinking and talking weddings quite frequently, and it got me thinking about posting this post, which is something I've been meaning to do for quite some time.

Marriage isn't a right...for anyone. It doesn't matter if you're straight, gay, in a wheelchair, whatever. It simply isn't a right. I get so sick and tired of people on TV and radio and even in public (Facebook counts as public, right?) talking about "Gays have the right to be married!!111". No, no they don't.

As I've said before, I don't care about the gay marriage issue. It's a moot point for me. I'm not gay. But I don't care if they do get married (that awful, coma-inducing bumper sticker that says something to the effect "Gay people deserve to be as miserable as everyone else!" sort of rings true here, for me at least.)

Now that I've pissed you off, random internet reader, let me explain my stance:

First of all, lets deal with heterosexual marriage (and simply marriage in general). It's not a right for a few reasons:
1. First off, there is nothing in the US Constitution that says people have the right to be married. Not at all. Go ahead, take a sec to read it and get back to me.

I have all the time in the world...

Ok, now that you're back, let me say it again: Civil rights, by definition, are rights guaranteed in the constitution. Marriage is not mentioned in the constitution. Therefore, by the power of deduction, marriage is not a civil right. And it's not for obvious reasons. How would you like to be walking down the street and a crackhead homeless man who smells of roasted almonds and urine came up to you and asked you to marry him? First of all, I'd be concerned, because I like almonds. Second, I'd be reaching for my pepper spray.

That's for those poor, innocent almonds, asshole.

Obviously (hopefully) you'd say "no". But let's think for a second: Isn't marriage a right for "everyone"? If that were the case, someone would have to marry this poor bastard. Hopefully, they'd be forced to do so against their will.

"But Ed," I hear you saying, "people have the right to choose! He couldn't just marry some random person! 'My right to hit you in the face ends with your right not to be harmed, etc.' "

Exactly my point. Even if you have a basic understanding of human rights, nobody should be forced to marry this random guy. Which completely deflates the argument against marriage as a "right".
Secondly, divorce would be illegal, because you'd be denying your spouse the right to be married. Hell, even rejecting someone’s marriage proposal could be classified as illegal and discriminatory. If it is a human right, it should be guaranteed to all people. But marriage cannot be a guaranteed right as society has not the power nor the authority to enforce such a guarantee. If that were the case, drug addicts, child molesters, murderers, rapists, and all other forms of social ill that deserve punishment in Dante's Inferno would have the "right" to be married.

What circle would this fall under?

Speaking of hellfire and brimstone, now we discuss the "right" of gay marriage. Again, I don't care if gay people get married. Let them do what they want. It's not the point I'm trying to argue, and it's not my place to say one way or the other. My point is that, by and large, people who are saying "marriage is a right" are homosexual. And it's simply not true. Plus, I have an issue with the homosexual movement hijacking the "Civil Rights" banner from the black community and their struggles from the past.

2. My second point is that I don't like the government interfering with my personal life. Nobody should. That being said, marriage should be handled however the bride and groom (or bride/bride or groom/groom) want it to be handled, be it religious ceremony or a visit to their local courthouse. If you're gay, and you love your partner, do you really need the government to tell you that your love is validated? If you do, you have issues.
Sure, married heterosexual couples get sweet-ass tax breaks (especially if they have kids), and gay couples who can't get married can't cash in. Which brings me to another thought: is this gay marriage issue really about "rights"? Sometimes, it's hard to tell.

"Well, Ed," you start to spout off again, "who should handle marriage?"

Easy: Churches and Ministers. The government shouldn't have the right to say who can and can't get married.

"But Ed," you lament, "churches consider homosexuality a sin! I can't marry my partner if the churches are in control!"

Well, you can't marry them now and you're doing just fine aren't you? Besides, you can always check in with an Episcopalian church and let them do it.

That's all for now. Feel free to be an idiot and call me a bigot in the comments.

A Return to Form

2010-07-21T10:18:00.009-05:00

I'm back to update you on my life as is. I've recently got engaged to a wonderful lady who loves me almost as much as I love her. It's an awesome feeling to be loved, and I don't know what I'd do without her. (Awww).

That being said, I've also recently received an Xbox 360, and will update you on the gaming side of my life in a second.

First of all, if you've enjoyed reading my blog over the years (and who hasn't?), you can still keep up with me despite my lack of updating on Edquarters. Twitter has become my go-to area for complaining, bitching, and insulting. You can follow along by going to www.twitter.com/edb87 and following my thoughts and life. Limited to 140 characters, of course.

Now, on to what you've really wanted: games. Since receiving an Xbox 360 for my birthday (my 4th one, BTW) and waiting for it to conk out on me any day now, I've sort of went on a buying spree when it comes to games...

Red Dead Redemption

If you haven't played this game, you need to quit reading this blog, go to your local game store, and sell your old consoles and possibly your first born and pick it up. It's that good.

I personally didn't get into Grand Theft Auto 4, mainly because it was simply GTA: San Andreas minus the exercising and fried chicken joints. RDR takes the GTA formula and perfects it, with enough side missions and extra quests to keep one busy for a long, long time, but without all the superfulous stuff I didn't like, like exercising and fried chicken joints. I've sunk more hours into Blackjack and hunting than I'd care to admit. I've recently completed the first area of the map, and when I say the map is huge, I mean it. It's massive.

The storyline is top-notch as well: you are John Marston, and your family has been taken hostage by the...federal government?!? Basically the government is in its final stages of taming the west, and you are their agent to help finish the job by killing off the crew of outlaws you used to run with. While doing that you will encounter people from New Austin who are good, bad and downright ugly.

Simply put, RDR is Rockstar's crowning achievement, and to miss out on it would be a crime. A crime punishable by hanging.

Clive Barker's Jericho

Here's an odd case: I wanted to pick the game up when it came out, but couldn't justify the $60 price tag. So when I saw it for $7, I couldn't say no.

I haven't got very far into it but from what I can tell, you're a member of a SpecOps group that deals with the occult. Being a member of this superhero club means you have various magic and psychic attacks you can do, from pushing walls with your mind to making a fillet mingnon out of your opponents. While sort of interesting, I can't say I haven't seen the story before, which is strange coming from Clive Barker, who created Hellraiser and Rawhead Rex.

Gameplay is basic: shoot demons here, open door there, psychic sword slice this guy. It's uninteresting until the monsters come out. That's where things get...interesting.

The monsters have enough variety to them to keep things interesting, but the game can get tough: when 3 basic grunts and 2 exploding monsters bum rush you, chances are you're going to get killed. I'd recommend picking it up for less than $10, if not for the gameplay than for the story. I mean, come on, it's Clive Barker.

The Bigs

Being the baseball fan that I am, I enjoy playing baseball games. Games that put all of the players on roids and lets you play pinball in Times Square.

You see, I'm not a fan of sim sports games. I could care less what my salary cap is, or who injured their pinky toe while sliding into third. I just want to play a fun game of baseball, and that's what The Bigs delivers in spades. Think NBA Jam, but with baseball. You basically accumulate points through striking people out, performing diving catches and getting on base. Once you reach a certain plateau, you can either pitch a nearly impossible to hit ball and steal some of your opponent's points, or you get a free homerun. Minigames like Baseball Pinball, set in Times Square and a story mode help flesh out the fun. It's silly fun, and I recommend it to serious and casual baseball fans alike.

That's enough for now. I'll be back later with thoughts on Too Human and Mirror's Edge.

Update

2010-03-17T11:48:00.004-05:00

I'm still alive. Things in my life have been pretty busy, so don't expect an update until the weekend. I'll get better at this, I promise.

While I've got some free time, I want to update you on a few things that have happened across the entertainment world:

Kate Gosslin is on Dancing with the Stars. I hate this bitch with everything in my heart. I'd still hit it though. With some spelunking gear. You could get lost in that thing, you know.
Tiger Woods comes back to the PGA Tour, supposedly by the Masters. People are dropping trow and bending over for this. I could care less. However, if I didn't care, I wouldn't have posted. So I'll stop now.
Heidi Montag undergoes 10 plastic surgeries to look like a real life Real Doll, and almost dies in the process. She wasn't that bad looking to start. Now she looks like she needs a jack to open her mouth to talk. It's ok though, because she now has DDDs. Nobody's looking at her face. Who am I talking about again?
Lady GaGa rises to fame. Too bad she blows.
Same goes for Ke$ha. Chick looks like she smells like old condoms. Plus she's gangly and ugly.
Kristie Alley's uber-strict diet of leaves, wafers and small children may be a front for Scientology. Scientology marketing plans always fail. Just look at Battlefield Earth.

I think I'm caught up now. Look for more on the weekends, aka the only time I have time to do anything.

I Hate People

2009-12-02T09:21:00.006-06:00

...and now, a Facebook status conversation, as told by morons, starring:

OP - Original Poster. A possibly mentally handicapped girl that I don't even know who has since deleted her status. Fortunately, I saved a transcript. Because I have a life.

IFP - Idiot first poster. An idiot.

IKE - I know everything. Some guy who will not discuss the issue, but instead beat around the bush without saying as to why he disagrees.

BP - Black panther. Some idiot who believes that having a black man in the White House will entitle them to free stuff.

ABTP - Annoying body transplant patient. A poor black kid who is stuck in a surburban white kid's body.

TI - The interjector. Posts a link and backs away. Not a bad idea.

Now on with the show. See if you can keep up...and keep your head from exploding from the stupidity and bad grammar...

WARNING: Graphic language ahead.
___________________________________________________________________

OP obama sucks

IFP - Yeah I agree:) that dumb nasty wanna be big ass lips piece of shit I hope he dies painfully fuck head won't he go get bigger lips while he's at it asshole

IKE - What's wrong with him OP?

OP - i just dont like him

BP - hey IFP and OP dnt b talkin bout him like dat

IFP - Sorry but its how I feel about him

OP - to bad i hate him

BP - b nice have a black president not. he tha fucken best. He betta den bush.

OP - i like mccain better

IFP - Ya me too always willll yay us

BP - he bout 2 do it big 4 us wat i mean iz dat we goin 2 have betta lives

IFP - Eh ill pass on him

IKE - Obsma is smart and I really like him! He hasn't given you a reason to dislike him

OP - aight

IFP - ill never like him that punk

OP - this is a done conversation

ABTP - .....I DNT KNO WHO U ARE IFP....but u are the rudest person i have ever seen?...wtf is wrong wit u puttin that shit?..u got alot of nerve...shows how immature u are...that man is going to save this country whether u wanna hATE him because hes black or because he has big lips...he will save us. SO UR A TRUE HATER!!!!1 i i i....HAVE AN OPEN MIND,,,whoever u are...u probly have no friends and is very rude..but everyone has a story so ill pass...jus dnt put that on peoples shit...thats rude...hes the president...have respect.

OP - maybe ill like him idk

TI - (link) Is this related to the subject?

OP - huh

ABTP - haha!! -----^ fuk naw.

BP - IFP u nd 2 fix ur face

OP - u all need too just be quiet an shut ur faces im gettin annoyed

ABTP - who u tlkn to?

OP - everyone

ABTP - well not me...cuz ma voice was needed...people be fuckin rude...grow up...

OP - no not u ur fine an talk white not black ur white u wigger

ABTP - wtf...im neva no wigger...or try to tlk like one...get the fuk out...if u kno me and kno how i tlk u no im not tryin ta b black...ust cuz i type like diss dnt mean i gotta sound like a wigger...aight im done...CLOSE IT.

OP - were done ok u childish im grown ight

ABTP - ...HAAH...KkkkKKkkKkkkkkkkkK,,,,,,,,,,,,WTF U DNT EVEN KNO ME...U ALWAYS B TRYIN TA TLK TO ME...and u cant neva take a hint..soo delete urself plz...thanks

OP - ok

fin

The drama! The anger! The gramatically retarded!

I can go on for hours about how this pisses me off, but I won't. I'll instead touch on the OP who gets mad when people start arguing in her political post, BP, who is still brainwashed into thinking that Obama is Jesus Christ incarnate, IBTP who is just...I don't even know, and IFP, who is, again, an idiot. Having big lips (or ears, in Obama's case) doesn't make someone a bad president. Having no clue what the hell you're doing does.

Since then, the status has been deleted, and instead replaced with Britney Spears lyrics. With the exception of IKE, all the other people are under 18. This is the future of America, people. No wonder the terrorists hate us.

Have You Seen THIS MAN?

2009-10-16T08:47:00.006-05:00

Have you seen this man? More specifically, have you seen this man in your dreams? According to "psychiatrists", thousands of people across the world have.

The history behind this mysterious face, called THIS MAN by people who claim to have seen him, goes a little something like this:

In January 2006 in New York, the patient of a well-known psychiatrist draws the face of a man that has been repeatedly appearing in her dreams. In more than one occasion that man has given her advice on her private life. The woman swears she has never met the man in her life.

That portrait lies forgotten on the psychiatrist's desk for a few days until one day another patient recognizes that face and says that the man has often visited him in his dreams. He also claims he has never seen that man in his waking life.

The psychiatrist decides to send the portrait to some of his colleagues that have patients with recurrent dreams. Within a few months, four patients recognize the man as a frequent presence in their own dreams. All the patients refer to him as THIS MAN.

From January 2006 until today, at least 2000 people have claimed they have seen this man in their dreams, in many cities all over the world: Los Angeles, Berlin, Sao Paulo, Tehran, Beijing, Rome, Barcelona, Stockholm, Paris, New Dehli, Moskow, etc.

At the moment there is no ascertained relation or common trait among the people that have dreamed of seeing this man. Moreover, no living man has ever been recognized as resembling the man of the portrait by the people who have seen this man in their dreams.

Wow. What are the chances that people in Moscow, Paris, the US, and other places across the globe are dreaming of the same man? Pretty good actually, when you consider that, on a planet of 6 billion people, that maybe hundreds of people dream of him? It's plausible. Again, on a planet of 6 billion people, I'm pretty sure people dream of Lindsay Lohan every night. Or not.

Some of the theories on THIS MAN, based on the website www.thisman.org, range from the face being the archetypal image of the collective human unconscious, to being the face of God, to a person with psychic abilities who basically "hacks" into your dreams, who may or may not be part of a mental conditioning program funded by some sort of evil corporation.

I don't know about you, but I'll be dreaming about him. These "suspect sketch" type of drawings always give me bad dreams. They have since I was three when I first saw them on Unsolved Mysteries.

Of course, it could be The Walkin' Dude from The Stand. If that's the case, we's all gonna die.

Boo Hoo Hoo, pt. 2

2009-10-15T10:13:00.005-05:00

It was announced today by TLC that they have pulled the plug on the heart-warming-turned-trainwreck show known as Jon and Kate Plus 8.

In case you've been holed up in a basement somewhere playing World of Warcraft non-stop for the past 6 months or so, Jon and Kate was a show about a family of 9 who filmed their day to day lives. They hit it big, got fat checks from the TLC people and began whoring themselves out on magazine covers and book tours and the like. Hey, it's for the kids, right?

Not exactly. Jon decided to use his celebrity clout to ink a deal with douchebag clothing company Ed Hardy. Kate appeared on talk shows to say how swell things were going and how hard it was raising 8 kids on a multi-million dollar budget. Then Jon decides to cheat on his cranky bitch of a wife, who, by the way, has the fashion sense of a gerbil. After that, all hell broke loose. They announced that they were getting a divorce. TLC crapped their pants because their cash cow was about to quit producing milk. Until the ratings came in from the divorce announcement episode.

After realizing that people enjoy watching a family fall apart on national TV, TLC decided to continue the show. Jon continued his tubby, douchey-ways and Kate continued to be a rabid bitch. TLC then announced that Jon would guest star in his kid's lives, calling the show Kate Plus 8. Jon, realizing that his paycheck was soon to be gone, barred TLC from filming at his house because he had the epiphany that the show "was harming the kids".

The inner grammar Nazi inside me weeps.

TLC basically said "eff this", and decided today to pull the plug on the show.

I feel sorry for the kids. I don't like the idea of placing these kids on national television in order to get yourself big cars, a big house, and everything else. Sure, the kids have a good life for now, but at what cost? Hopefully, the money from the show can pay for the years of counseling ahead.

Boo Hoo Hoo

2009-10-05T11:46:00.005-05:00

So the big story of last week, besides Hollywood dropping a deuce in their pants when Roman "I like to rape kids" Polanski's child-diddlin' ass was arrested, is Rio de Janeiro beat out all comers and will be hosting the 2016 Olympics. Normally this wouldn't be news, since nobody gives a flying mustard turd sandwich about the Olympics. What made the story was the fact that President Obama, his wife, and some crazy lady nobody knows about named Oprah decided to head over to Olympic headquarters and try to throw their clout (and Oprah's ass) around to get the committee to host the Olympics in Chicago. What insued, however dear reader, was hilarity.

Thinking "Hey, I'm the President of the US! They've gotta host it in my corrupt, near-broke home town since I want them to!" Barack Obama and his wife decided to pitch for the Olympics in their hometown of Chicago. They wanted the Olympics, which is notorious for going over budget nearly every year, in Chicago, a city who's financial status isn't exactly peachy. I could rant for a second about how certainly none of their political chums would profit off of this whatsoever, but I'll refrain.

What gets my goat out of my pants about the whole thing is the sheer ego it takes to go over there and pitch for this. I mean, they brought Oprah, who makes more money than the city of Chicago probably does. Certainly Oprah can change their minds. I mean, she gave us Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz and...ah, who cares.

By the way, speaking of egos, Michelle Obama has to be one of the biggest assclowns on the face of the planet. Quotes about how she and Barack "sacrificed" to fly to Europe for 12ish hours aside, she annoys the crap out of me. Not so much her, now that I think of it. Moreso people who think she's great. And the next Jackie Kennedy. And Jesus' wife. First off, she looks like Helen Keller dresses her half the time. Second, she looks like she tried to make out with a weedwhacker. While juggling knives with her face.

Ok I'm done. I'm eating Wendy's chili, and would rather do that than type.

I Don't Know How I Feel About This...

2009-09-26T15:49:00.005-05:00

So I'm late to the party. Bite me.

In case you didn't know, Disney bought out comic book giant Marvel at the end of August. What does this mean for Disney, and more importantly, what does this mean for Marvel?

On one hand, Disney knows what it's doing. That's why it's been around for so long, despite pumping out garbage like Phineas and Ferb, Hannah Montana, not to mention raping their classic movies by releasing straight-to-DVD sequels that have no reason to exist except to rake in cash from unsuspecting parents and spoiled, bratty children. Oh wait. That's why they're still around: because children these days are idiots and have no taste whatsoever.

As a child, I grew up on 3 comics: Batman, Spider-Man and X-Men. Now I haven't kept up with comics in a long time, but I know that Batman is DC, so I have no worries there. The other two, however, are Marvel's bread and butter. That's where their money comes from, and since Disney owns them now, that's where a lot of Disney's money comes from. I don't see them messing with these two franchises at all.

Unless we get a Spider-Man vs. Jafar cross-over. Wait, that would be awesome.

What the hell am I talking about again?

I'll Take the Stay-Puft Man...

2009-09-18T11:22:00.005-05:00

This is Pink, performing her (his?) opening number on his (her?) Funhouse tour at the KeyArena in Seattle this past Tuesday.
Normally when a woman (man?) wears a get-up like this, it's arousing in an animalistic sort of way. However, doing your best to look like a Sumerian shape-shifting god of destruction doesn't exactly tickle my fancy.

Dur...

2009-09-14T15:56:00.001-05:00

Testing to see why Kanye borked my menu bar on the right hand side. I knew that dude was an a-hole.

I Hate Myself

2009-09-14T13:47:00.004-05:00

As soon as I think I'm done with this assclown (and now "this assclown and his alien hermaphrodite snake-skinned love-beast") he goes and makes a fool of himself once again, this time at the douchebaggiest place of all, the MTV Video Music Awards. Kanye, not being afraid of looking like a toolbox, hopped up onstage last night or whenever it happened, and jacked the microphone from 19-year-old country star Taylor Swift, and proceeded to say that "Beyonce has the best video of the decade!". Beyonce, who was beat out by Taylor, seemed mortified when Kanye opened his big mouth. Since everyone in the whole-damn-world got pissed at him, he decided to write an appology:

I'M SOOOOO SORRY TO TAYLOR SWIFT AND HER FANS AND HER MOM. I SPOKE TO HER MOTHER RIGHT AFTER AND SHE SAID THE SAME THING MY MOTHER WOULD'VE SAID. SHE IS VERY TALENTED! I LIKE THE LYRICS ABOUT BEING A CHEERLEADER AND SHE'S IN THE BLEACHERS! ........................
I'M IN THE WRONG FOR GOING ON STAGE AND TAKING AWAY FROM HER MOMENT!.................
BEYONCE'S VIDEO WAS THE BEST OF THIS DECADE!!!! I'M SORRY TO MY FANS IF I LET YOU GUYS DOWN!!!! I'M SORRY TO MY FRIENDS AT MTV. I WILL APOLOGIZE TO TAYLOR 2MRW. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!!!! EVERYBODY WANNA BOOOOO ME BUT I'M A FAN OF REAL POP CULTURE!!! NO DISRESPECT BUT WE WATCHIN' THE SHOW AT THE CRIB RIGHT NOW CAUSE ... WELL YOU KNOW!!!! I'M STILL HAPPY FOR TAYLOR!!!! BOOOYAAAWWWW!!!! YOU ARE VERY VERY TALENTED!!! I GAVE MY AWARDS TO OUTKAST WHEN THEY DESERVED IT OVER ME... THAT'S WHAT IT IS!!!!!!! I'M NOT CRAZY YALL, I'M JUST REAL. SORRY FOR THAT!!! I REALLY FEEL BAD FOR TAYLOR AND I'M SINCERELY SORRY!!! MUCH RESPECT!!!!!

Wow. Somebody smack this guy with a grammar book. Preferably one with barbed wire wrapped around it. What is this "Welcome to the real world...I'm a fan of real pop culture?" crap? Really, what does that mean? Does that mean he has a whole basement dedicated to Twilight stuff? Does he enjoy witty 80's movie references? Does it mean he's a homosexual aquatic being?

The world will never know. Only Kanye knows, in his warped mind where he can do no wrong. Clearly he wasn't beat enough as a child, whether in his home or on the playground at school. Messing with Taylor Swift, however, has drawn the ire of 99% of the country world and probably 90% of the rest of the music business. Hopefully someone will pull a will.i.am and get somebody to slug him in the face.

Is it Halloween Already?

2009-09-08T07:54:00.002-05:00

Do I even need to caption this? Seriously, in all seriousness, she needs to fulfill the whole Marilyn Monroe fixation she has and off herself.

We're Not Gonna Take It...

2009-09-07T14:05:00.004-05:00

Dee Snider's looking a bit rough these days.

Oh wait...that's Sarah Jessica Parker filming Sex and the City 2: Return of the Crusty Vadges. That's not really the subtitle. I made it up. Although if that were the subtitle, it may make the movie sell more. Keep that in mind, Michael Patrick King.

You can click on the photo above to expand it, but would you really want to?

Some Things You Need in Your Life

2009-08-24T08:41:00.010-05:00

I know you wait with baited breath to see what my next post will be. Unfortunately, due to time constraints and lack of enthusiasm, I haven't updated in a while. Mainly because I really don't have anything to talk about. That and I don't have the interwebs in my apartment. So I'm gonna update you with a quick look as to what I've done all summer:

Work. No surprise there. I thoroughly enjoy my job and I love all the people I work with, despite some of them having...shortcomings. All in all, it's nice to be out and about on my own, doing my own thing. I've also met a beautiful lady who enjoys my company, something that I find thoroughly satisfying.

Haven't got to see many movies this summer (well...in theaters. I'm spending time watching fantastic films indoors) but the two I did get to see were the ones I was wanting to see the most:

I loved the snot out of District 9. Sure, it wasn't a wholly original movie, with elements of Schindler's List, Black Hawk Down and The Fly standing out prominently, but those are all good films, and combining them together with a dash of alien prawn crawfish-looking things equals...a good movie. If you haven't seen it yet, do so. It will probably be the sleeper hit of the summer.

Speaking of hit movies, this movie hits. And hard. Despite being a Tarantino flick, there isn't a whole lot of action. I know, right? This is probably his most story-driven flick in years, which is a nice change from the Grindhouse/Kill Bill ooze and gore-fests. Not that I didn't enjoy them for that reason, mind you. It's just nice to see him getting back into form. Speaking of, the last few scenes of Inglourious Basterds are rock-your-face awesome. Those last 20-30 minutes alone are worth the price of admission.

Speaking of movies, I've told you of my penchant for watching nearly unwatchable movies. These guys do as well, except they can talk about it intelligently, unlike me, who usually just spews liquid out of my eye from laughing at them so hard. These guys watch the baddest of the bad. The worst of the worst. And it's hilarious. They've recently redesigned the site, so give it a look when you get the chance.

Any other free time I have that isn't being spent working/eating/sleeping/pooping/watching movies within the past week or so has been poured into this. Highly recommended. Expect a review coming when I beat it.

That's it.

Cinematic Platinum

2009-08-14T07:41:00.001-05:00

Why do I say "cinematic platinum" and not the more commonly used "cinematic gold"? Because platinum is worth more. At least that's what the rap industry tells me. That is until I convince rappers across the world that depleted uranium is the new bling.

I consider myself a connoisseur of movies. Particularly, bad movies. They're fun, mind-numbing escapism that can either warrant a belly full of laughs or make you groan in horror. Few movies I've seen (or haven't seen, for that matter) can probably compare to the sheer awesome crap that is Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus.

How do you spell "epic"? "Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus".
Which, oddly enough, looks nothing like "epic".

I hear you ask "What is Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus?". Well, Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus is a movie. About a shark. That is mega. That fights an octopus. Which is giant. That's about it. There's a story here (supposedly) involving Lorenzo Lamas and 80's pop star Debbie Gibson (or Deborah Gibson, as she's known today. Because she wants to be free of her pop star image. You know, because she has a career otherwise...) but nobody really cares. The movie isn't called "Humans Run Around Helplessly As A Giant Effing Shark Attacks A Jumbo Jet".

You read that right. The shark takes out a plane that's cruising around 6 miles in the air:

If that doesn't make you wet your pants with excitement, you must be dead.

Of course, with most movies that involve two people/things/monsters/porn stars fighting, the epic confrontation doesn't happen until the very end of the movie, and is more often than not a let down. Such is not the case with this fantastic movie. The battle doesn't show up until the very end of the movie, but is worth every agonizing second that you wait. I'm being completely serious. The octopus wraps its death tentacles around the shark...and does it again...and again...and again. The same 4 or 5 animations are used 4 or 5 times during the fight. And it is as epic as you can possibly imagine.

Part of the fun of this movie is sucked out of it, however, due to the fact that the company that makes these movies is most famous for making knock-offs of blockbuster movies that may be out or may be coming out in theaters. And they're all bad.

Can you...spot the not?

Intentionally bad. It's always more fun if the movie is attempting to be a serious and is accidentally cheesy as opposed to being cheesy on purpose.

That being said, this is the most awful movie I've ever seen. Bar none. If you have a movie that you think tops this, leave me a comment. I'm down for anything.

I'm a Twit

2009-06-16T10:12:00.005-05:00

One thing about living on my own that I'm not too keen on is the fact that I don't have internet. Not because they don't have internet down here (they do, and it sucks), but because as of right now I can't exactly afford it. With that being said, I can't update my blog as much as I want to. Coupling that with the fact that the iPhone doesn't have an application that posts to Blogger, my blog lays bare until I get some free time at work, which isn't very often.

However, the iPhone has a ton of Twitter applications. I decided to join the Twitter "revolution" and signed up. So if you want daily updates on menial things that I do, you can follow me or check the little box over there on the right. Or do both. I'm tired of reading updates from Missourinet.

I also removed The Vault on the right side, since it was taking up a ton of room and I can't figure out how to make it a separate link. You can still find your favorite posts by searching at the top of the page.

People Who Need A Heavy Dose of Power Fist

2009-06-03T06:58:00.000-05:00

What is a Power Fist, you may ask. THIS is a Power Fist:

And now, the Power Fist List:
Paris Hilton
Perez Hilton
Chris Brown
Soulja Boy
Lady GaGa
Katy Perry
Chad Kroeger
Carlos Mencia
Avril Lavigne
Tila Tequila
Spencer Pratt
Heidi Montag
Everyone involved with The Hills
Everyone involved with Desperate Housewives
Everyone involved with High School Musical
Everyone involved with anything MTV
Everyone involved with The View
The Kardashians
Robert Pattinson
Kanye West
Jon Gosselin
Kate Gosselin
The Octomom
Hayden Panettiere
Lindsay Lohan
The Westboro Baptist Church
Kelly Clarkson
Joan Rivers
Melissa Rivers
Hollywood Undead
People who say a band that came out last year is "the greatest band EVAR"
People who say a band that came out 5 years ago is "the greatest band EVAR"
People who say a band that came out 10 years ago is "the greatest band EVAR"
People who say a band that came out 15 years ago is "the greatest band EVAR"
People who say a band that came out 20 years ago is "the greatest band EVAR"
Rosanne Barr
The WWE writing team
Criss Angel
Cameron Diaz
Spike Lee
George Lucas
Dane Cook
Tori Spelling
Al Sharpton
Jesse Jackson
Britney Spears
Justin Long
Angels and Airwaves
Eminem
Barry Bonds
Shia LaBeouf
Rosie O'Donnell
Theory of A Deadman
Saving Abel
Oprah
Michael Vick
Tom Cruise
Angelina Jolie
Michael Moore
Sean Hannity
Ann Coulter
Nancy Pelosi
Harry Reid
John McCain
Sarah Palin
Barack Obama
Hilary Clinton
Al Gore
Everyone remotely involved in Washington DC politics
Tyra Banks

I'm sure there's more...but I can't think of anymore right now.

Really?

2009-05-20T07:47:00.010-05:00

The movie I'm looking most forward to this summer has to be Terminator: Salvation. I mean, this movie has everything I want in a summer blockbuster: robots, lasers, the extinction of the human race, and of course everyone's favorite short-tempered Welsh, Christian Bale.

The first reviews are in, and they're mixed, which isn't surprising. I don't remember a full blown action flick ever sweeping the Oscars, but I could be wrong. Another thing that isn't surprising is the absolute snootiness and idiocy of some of these movie reviewers. Take David Edelstein from New York Magazine, for example. The headline of his online review is:

"Christian Bale is one humorless savior in Terminator Salvation"

Well, I'll be. The human race is on the verge of extinction and Christian Bale isn't making funnies? They should have got Rodney Dangerfield for the part. He goes on to describe the color palette as:

"monochromatic (livened only by splotches of rust)"Really? A post-apocalyptic movie about robots destroying the planet and there's no lush rain forest scene? No Eco-Friendly recycling scene where Bale does his part to save the planet by reusing a water bottle? You mean its all destruction, dust, metal, and sky? What a shocker. From the trailers I've seen I was hoping it would be like Romancing the Stone. Cept, you know, with robots. Next you're gonna tell me Earth rotates on an axis and isn't the center of the universe.

I understand that these people's jobs are to tell you their thoughts on the movie, but please do it without going into a 4 paragraph rant about the storyline making no sense. That should be a given. (for the record: the Terminator storyline has made no sense since the first movie. If Kyle Reese was sent back in time to save Sarah Connor, its obvious that she survived to have John Connor, otherwise nobody would come back in time to save Sarah Connor, because John Connor wouldn't have sent his young father back in time because he wouldn't have been born, because Sarah Connor would have been killed and the human race would be obliterated...get it? Good.)

Movie reviews should be like this:
Terminator: Salvation - Shooting. Robots. Explosions. If you liked the other Terminator movies, you will probably like this one.

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past - If you like warm and fuzzy movies without emotional investment and a Dickens twist, you'll like this. If you like Matthew McConaughey, you'll like this. You also need a lobotomy.

See? Short and to the point. Kind of like my blog. Minus the whole "to the point" thing.

Left 4 Mods

2009-05-07T17:06:00.002-05:00

Left 4 Dead is one of my favorite games of this console generation. That being said, I find these audio mods hilarious:

Someone got the bright idea to replace all of zombie sounds with Macho Man Randy Savage.

...and Pee Wee Herman...

...If you haven't seen these, you're welcome. If you have, kiss my toe.

Thanks to Tony for the tip.

Americans Are Stupid

2009-05-05T15:14:00.005-05:00

Before you ask, no I'm not an evil, psycho, tree-hugging, country-hating, "Bush lied, people died", taxing machine. But if the swine flu taught me anything, its that we as Americans are a stupid bunch.

The President of the United States has to tell the public at large to wash their hands after they handle their junk? Seriously? Didn't your mother teach you to do that when you were a kid? Or were you too busy dropping LSD, watching The Thunderbirds and getting crabs to pay attention in health class?
Also, if a bottle of hand sanitizer is all it takes to keep the pig pukes at bay, then what's the big deal? Wash your hands. Problem solved. It's a matter of common decency. Imagine if I took a dump and smeared it all over my hands, then handled your food, or handled your money, or picked your child up and gave them a huge hug, and when you ask me why I didn't wash my hands. Suppose I tell you:
"Well, I was really busy and didn't have time to scrape last night's dinner from underneath my fingernails. Get over it."
You'd beat my face in with a blunt object. That's how I look at it when people don't wash their hands. A bit overreactive? I don't think so. I don't know where your hand's been. Sometimes you don't either. Remember: If you're nasty, there's always someone out there that's nastier.

While we're at it, please quit blowing this swine flu thing out of proportion. We as Americans love ourselves a pandemic, especially when its...not a pandemic. West Nile, SARS, bird flu, you name it. The problem is that only a handful of people die (which is a good thing), and then the next year you hear precisely goose egg about everything. We've moved on to our American Idol, our Desparate Housewives, our Sex and the City (I know the show is over, it just pisses me off such a crap show was so popular...sorry Trevor). 200 die of swine flu because they didn't wash their hands or whatever and the world does backflips in panic, while millions die of AIDS every year and people still refuse to wear condoms. What does the world do?
"Meh. I don't have it. Whatever."

So yeah. Wash your hands. That way I the only time I have to hear about swine flu is when I watch House.

Hello, My Friend, We Meet Again...

2009-05-04T19:53:00.004-05:00

So it's been a while. I've been very busy as of late (and I'm not just using that as an excuse this time...). I've recently graduated from broadcasting school, moved from home and got my own place and a job as the news director for a radio network in southern Missouri. So far, so good. I love it down here. Being on my own is nice too. I can pretty much walk around naked all day. And that's never a bad thing.

Something I always tried to do with Edquarters was produce quality posts for you guys. Because of this, I usually didn't post for weeks (or months) at a time due to either nothing happening that was worth mentioning or simply because of a lack of interest. I mean, if the most exciting thing I did for a week and a half was take a poo that sort of looked like Muk from Pokemon, chances are I'm not going to blog about it.

Not anymore.

My new obsession with social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter (don't hate) and my friend Astroblack have made me realize that long, overblown posts aren't always the route to go. Sure, they're nice every once in a while, but the length of the post doesn't always determine the quality. So expect more updates from me on this end. Some posts could just be a photo. Some could be a sentence or two. Others may be the long-winded bloviations you've come to expect from me. I guess you'll have to stay tuned to find out...

DirecTV and Best Buy: A Match Made in H-e-double-hockey-sticks

2009-04-02T20:17:00.006-05:00

I love technology. Always and forever. I do not love, however, salesmen who don't know when to shut the hell up and take "no" for an answer.

If you're such a douche you sell your wares in another store, you might be a douchebag.

Case in point, I was in my Best Buy about two weeks ago when I heard someone say to me "Are you doing ok sir?". Naturally, I say something along the lines of "Yeah, just killing time" or "Yes, thanks". You know, something like that.
"Have you heard what we're doing today?"
Intrigued, I said no, and looked up to see a guy with beady eyes in a blue shirt. Best Buy color, but not a polo shirt like the others wear.
"Well, come over here and I'll show you what's going on today."

So I go over to this tiny blue table, with DirecTV on the front of it. Crap.

Basically he tells me all the great stuff satellite can do, and how cable sucks and blahblahblahblahblah. I sort of tuned him out, because I wanted to get back to my video game browsing, so I told him that I'm not the head of house and that my dad would have to make that decision.

"Oh, well is he here now?"
"Nope."
"Oh ok. Well, what if I told you that for today and today only, I could cut your installation in half if you sign up now?"
"Dude, I just told you I don't make those decisions..."
"Right, I understand. But would you be interested in that if I were to make your installation cheaper?"
"That's great and all, but I can't make those decisions without him..."
"Well, can you call your dad and see if he'd be interested?"
"Nope."

So I walked away, probably the most annoyed I've been in a while. I understand that he's just doing his job, but there's a line between that and being a douche. I like to enjoy my shopping experience as much as humanly possible (especially if it's Best Buy), and I don't want Dude Douche ruining it by hounding me to pay him to set up a dish. I don't even hardly watch that much TV, for crying out loud. That's why we got rid of our cable in the first place.

A few weeks later, I went back in to get a CD from a group I'd just been turned on to. Sure enough, Dude Douche was working again, asking people to sign up for DirecTV. He actually recognized me this time around, and asked me if pops had OK'd his professional installation plan.

"You know, I forgot to ask."
"Oh, ok. Is he with you today?"
"Nope."
"Oh ok. Well, what if I told you that for today and today only, I could cut your installation in half if you sign up now?"
"Haven't we been through this already? No, I'm saying no right now. I don't make those decisions, and I'm not going to bug him about it. Besides, wasn't the last time you talked to me the only day you could cut me a deal on the installation?"
"No that was a different deal. Today is the only day I can give you installation at half off."
"Ok then. Look, don't waste your time on me. I'm not gonna get anything. Grab someone who will."

So I blew him off, again, and got my CD. Wouldn't you know it, my printer ran out of ink a week later, so I go in yesterday to pick some up. I wind up next to some fat old guy looking at photo paper.
"Are you doing ok sir?"
Sure enough, Dude Douche was pulling his schtick on the old guy. I chuckled, grabbed my ink and bolted.

Best Buy, please, I emplore you: get rid of your DirecTV salesguys, if you have them. Even if you don't, get rid of them anyway. They annoy the living daylights out of everyone who shops at your store.

Meramec Caverns: The Most Annoying Place in the World (or so I'd imagine)

2009-04-01T01:00:00.001-05:00

If you've ever driven down US 66 through Missouri, chances are you've seen ads for Meramec Caverns, which is touted as a Missouri treasure because Jesse James used it as a hideout once upon a time in the West. That and it's some sort of cavern, I guess.
Meramec Caverns has been visited for over 70 years by millions and millions of people. Some people enjoy long trips through caves. Hell, I do. I find them fascinating.
I will, however, NEVER visit Meramec Caverns. Not because it's a bad place or anything. I wouldn't know. I'm boycotting them simply because of their ads that clutter up the landscape.

"Really, Ed? You're going to ignore a national landmark that's practically in your own back yard because their advertising gets your panties in a bunch?"

First off, I wear thongs. Secondly, yes, yes I am. If you don't like it, go start your own blog about how much I suck. Link to me if you want. I welcome the extra traffic.

Exhibit A: I don't recall any ads for the Arch when I visited Frankenstein, MO. (Yes, there is a Frankenstein, MO. No, I've never been there.)

Let's start with Exhibit A: The barn you see above. Seriously? Advertising Meramec Caverns 115 miles away? Now, I can understand famous national landmarks like Mount Rushmore or Yellowstone Park getting ads near where they are, maybe 30 miles out. Hell even the St. Louis Arch gets less ads than the caverns. But hold on, it gets better. You think that's bad?

These are advertisements for Meramec Caverns painted on barns in Sapulpa and Warwick, Oklahoma. Sapulpa is 350 miles away from Stanton, MO, and Warwick is over 400 miles away. I don't know about you, but when I have time to kill, I'm not gonna drive 6-7 hours for some caves.

Some of you might be wondering why the ad is painted on a barn. Back during the Depression, a man named Lester Dill bought the cave and turned it into a tourist attraction. Dill was a master promoter, offering farmers money in exchange for adding a bit more color to their barns and silos. Currently, there are still barns sitting in 26 states. 26 states. There, a history lesson. Don't say I never did anything for you.

I understand the concept of advertising. A business has to make money. The ads aren't the problem, however. It's the frequency of them. Within a 20 mile radius of the exit you take to get to the caves, there are easily 50 signs for the caves and the "Jesse James Wax Museum", which sounds thoroughly exciting, except for it doesn't.
If you've never been down near there, you have no idea how annoying it gets seeing random signs with atrocious art involving canoes, children rubbing phallic-shaped stalagmites, and dinosaurs. Yes, dinosaurs.

Exhibit B: Why the hell is there a dinosaur on the billboard? Did Jesse James ride a triceratops in the wild west?

What I find funny is that immediately after you drive by the exit for the caverns, there's a billboard telling you "YOU MISSED IT! TURN BACK!". No, I didn't miss it. If I wanted to go to your hole in the earth, I would have the exit number ingrained in my retina by now and would know exactly where to go. In fact, I meant to not take that exit and continue on my way back to St. Louis. I have a home to go to and Guitar Hero: Metallica to play.

Which is what I'm going to do right now.

Gotta Love the Japanese

2009-03-24T13:21:00.001-05:00

Call of Duty meets Watership Down? I'll take 3 please.

Oh, I also have a job interview tomorrow at a radio station. So yes, there is a legit reason I haven't posted in eons. Bite me.

Cease and Resist

2009-03-02T23:45:00.004-06:00

See that? That's a letter from my internet provider, telling me that I've been illegally downloading stuff, which has unsurprisingly pissed off someone who didn't get their $.07 royalty.

There's only one problem: I haven't downloaded anything that would infringe somebody's copyright since last year.

Either they're really slow at this (meaning they really don't care about their $.07) or they're trying to scare me. Either way, lawl.

New Year Update (and other stuff)

2009-02-27T14:41:00.006-06:00

No, I haven't been kidnapped by ninjas and no, you're not a bad enough dude to save me if I were. I've been busy wrapping up school and trying to keep things on the homefront somewhat sane. But in case you were wondering, here's my update on my New Year's resolutions:

1) Save Money
HAHAHAHAHAHA.

2) Cutting Back on Soda
I've definitely kept up on this one. While I still down a lot more Coke than I probably should, its nowhere near the amount I used to drink.

3) Be Healthier
I've lost 4 pounds. That counts for something right?

4) Read at Least 10 Books This Year
I read House of Leaves in January (great book BTW) and started to read Brave New World but haven't got around to finishing it. I've also read World War Z again, so I'm actually ahead of schedule.

As for the other updates, I've signed up for Google Analytics, so now I can see exactly how many people are coming to the site and where they live. Also expect some more blogs coming down the pike in the next week or so. Also, there may or may not be a new layout coming to the site. I'll keep you posted. If I can find the time...

I Still Love You Sony...

2009-02-11T11:37:00.003-06:00

Really, I do. NSFW video, people. Don't blame me if you get fired.

BTW "Time Vampire" is going to be added to my phraseonary.

Shock and Awe

2009-02-10T12:22:00.003-06:00

New Year's Eve I got pulled over for my right head light not working. No big deal. I knew my light was out and I was planning on getting it fixed when I got my tax return back. So the officer pulled me over and went through the usual routine: why he pulled me over, license and insurance, blah blah blah. For whatever reason, I hadn't put my new insurance cards in the truck, so the cop asked me for a newer card - the one I gave him expired the day before.
So that night I ended up with two tickets: one for my headlight, and one for my insurance card.

Skip ahead to my court date for my insurance card (I had paid off the headlight ticket by "getting it fixed"). The court was packed, since some genius in the city thought it'd be a good idea to only have one court date per month. After getting through their "security" and standing for about 10 minutes, a girl comes in behind me and bumps me and says "excuse me". She was a cute girl, but I could tell by her outfit and the accent (if you could call it that) that she was one of those unfortunate girls who was born white but didn't want to be.

After a few people had their turn and left, some seats near the front of the court opened up, and the girl and I were seated. I grabbed the seat in the front row and she sat a row behind me next to an older black guy who looked old enough to be her father and then some. After she sat down they struck up a quiet conversation: what they were there for, who gave them the ticket, stuff like that. Every couple of minutes the guy would start laughing and snorting, then look around and be quiet for a few seconds.
"So you got a man?"
"Nope."
"Ahh, what's a sweet thing like you doing without a man? You got a kid?"
"Yeah." *shows photo of her baby*
"Ahh that's cute. So you lookin' for a man? Cuz I got some free time and I could show you what a real man is..."

The guy proceeded to tell her how good he'd sex her up, how amazing he is at sex, what his sex was like, sex was sex sex sex, and how big his junk is. According to him, "You know that attack on Iraq? Shock and Awe? That's the name of my dick!"

It took every inch of self control I have (which, granted, isn't much) to not turn around and make a snide remark about him trying to compensate for a lack of manhood, or the fact that before she turned 21 he could buy off of the senior's menu at Denny's. Not much longer after being both shocked and awed, my name was called. I walked up to the judge, showed my insurance card I should have had, and left. I waited about an hour for 20 seconds worth of actual business.

But I did get a blog post out of it...

So, About That Bailout...

2009-01-21T16:06:00.006-06:00

Remember that humongous bailout of the American auto industry that got passed? With $4 billion handed out for no reason other than "Help us! We swindled the coffers and now the company can't stay afloat!", many hoped the auto industry would use the money to turn itself around. Is the money being put to good use? Call me skeptical - via Coming Soon:

Reuters reports that Chrysler has unveiled plans to help underwrite Terminator Salvation.

Chrysler, which has received $4 billion in emergency aid from the U.S. government, has a deal to place its vehicles in cameo roles in the film, scheduled for release on May 22 and starring Christian Bale, executives said on Tuesday.

Financial terms of the sponsorship deal were not disclosed.

"This spring, 'Terminator 4' comes out and we will be one of the sponsors," Chrysler director of media Susan Thomson said in a presentation at the Automotive News World Congress. "We have a following with the 'Terminator' movies and we are going to continue with that."

I can't wait to see Christian Bale rolling down a road with burned out buildings and cars, and see him cruising in a brand-spanking-new Sebring convertible. Because when I think of the apocalypse, I think about rolling around in style, in my brand new 2012 Chrysler Sebring droptop.

Spy Hard

2009-01-18T00:50:00.004-06:00

Not exactly.

Recently, things at the furniture store have been bland, to say the least. Few, if any people are making their sales goals due to minor nuisances like the economy being in the crapper, the fact the store is located near a defunct "shopping mall" with less than 25 stores, and a ridiculous amount of salespeople on the floor at any given time (Naw, you don't think I'm going to make my goals when you have me and 20 other sales people on the floor and 8 customers in the store?) Those that are hitting their numbers are either getting extremely lucky with their choice in customers, are stealing other people's customers, or a combination of both. Imagine my rage when we get an influx of new people every week, if not every other week. New salesmen pour in every week while few if any are let go, then they want to come to me and tell me to sell more?

Back on topic: there's a clearance event going on right now at work, so imagine my complete and utter surprise when a new person shows up on the sales floor. Not really.
What did surprise me, though, is that the new gentleman working on the sales floor is from a store across town. A store that eclipses our sales every weekend. Why would he come to a store that does half their sales on any given day? According to him, it was because "We needed help during the clearance event." Fine, whatever.
So there I am pacing the store floor, actually having a decent day, when I hear another salesperson getting mad at the transfer dude. Words are exchanged and Captain NewGuy walks away. I grab the former and asked him what the big deal was. It turns out NewGuy was behind him in turns to greet customers. Salesperson Numero Uno greets a family, shows them to a department, and lets them look around. Not 3 minutes after he walks away to give them some space, NewGuy rushes in and starts talking to them, trying to sell stuff. Salesperson 1 isn't happy.

Long story short (too late): the new guy claims he "didn't see him talk to the family", gets ripped a new one, and I get a chuckle. A while later I find out after walking by some sales leads that the NewGuy isn't here to help: he was sent in by corporate to prove to the store manager and everyone else that the people at my store "aren't doing their jobs correctly" and to "find out who is and isn't doing their job".

Well, let's see, if you have an overabundance of sellers, a limited number of customers, plus sending in a guy from another store who tries to steal customers from people, what do you get? A store with very frustrated and angry salespeople. No wonder that place has a high turnover rate...

WTF?!?

2009-01-16T01:00:00.004-06:00

NO NO NO NO NO!

You get elected to office and do this shit instead of fix my country? You are an ugly old hag who has absolutely no clue about what the hell is going on in normal people's lives, let alone the vast swampland/goldmine that is the internet. And you want to Rickroll people to, what? Prove you're cool? Prove you're in touch with the younger generation?

I swear, if Washington DC were to get nuked tomorrow, I wouldn't bat an eye.

The Evolution of Philosophy

2009-01-14T20:08:00.002-06:00

As someone who enjoys waxing philosophical, this made me laugh. Out loud. LOL, if you will.

Aquaman is a Bitch and Other TV Observations

2009-01-14T14:12:00.001-06:00

I was sick about three months ago, if you remember, and while I was sick I consumed more television than I had in the past 4 months (before my miserly father decided that cigarettes and expensive dates are more useful than the evening news and cut our cable), some of which I will now share with you, along with my unfiltered, NyQuil-induced thoughts:

Twenty-One on GSNTwenty-One is was a revival of sorts for a classic game show of the same name. In it, two contestants try to reach a score of 21 before the other person by answering trivia questions based on a particular category and point value (1-11). The easier the question, the fewer points its worth. Think Win Ben Stein's Money, minus the Ben Stein and the awesomeness.

Anyway, the problem with this show is that it is no longer being shown on TV (minus the reruns on GSN), and the fact that the show is hosted by Maury Povich. You know, morning talk show guy Maury Povich that exploits fat toddlers and whore mothers? No wonder it didn't last...

Besides asking why Maury Povich was hosting a game show, which was almost too much for my drugged up brain to handle, I continue to watch to find out that Twenty-One is part of a game show block being hosted by Alfonso Ribeiro, better known as Carlton Banks off of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

The paring of awkwardness and complete awesomeness was almost too much for my brain to handle, so I changed the channel to...

Pancake Puffs ...Holy hell. This is the greatest thing ever. No, really. I want like 6 of them. Injecting whipped cream, meat, and other deliciousness into balls of cooked pancake batter? Brain...overload...

Aquaman
As I waited for Mission Hill to come on Cartoon Network/adult swim, there was a brief cartoon featuring everyone's favorite useless superhero, Aquaman. Superman can fly and is basically indestructible, Spider-Man has strength and can crawl on walls and swing on a web, and Aquaman can...talk to fish?

Anyway I don't remember the plot to the episode, but I do remember the bad guys had guns that shot pressurized air bubbles. Under water. Aquaman, being the dolt that he is, swims directly into the line of fire and gets hit by a bubble, being knocked to the ocean floor. Leave it to the the swordfish, seahorse and whale-like friends to catch the bad guys. Of course Aquaman being the aqua-douche he is takes the credit for the victory.

______________________________________________________________

That's all I had for that post. There were a few other shows that came on, but I either don't remember them or they were too awesome to make fun of. Like House.

2008 Awards 2008 DOTY Awards

2009-01-12T14:50:00.001-06:00

Normally for the End of Year Awards I sit here and type for days on end, proofreading, editing and re-editing and re-re-editing things until they're pitch perfect.
However, there's only one segment of the awards that I care about, and that anyone else I know cares about (unless of course they're lying to me, and why would they?): the Douchebag of the Year Awards.

So screw all that other nonsense about the top disappointments of the year (life), the top awesome things of the year (life), music (Metallica...really? Did you not see that coming?) and movies (...). Let's get on to the Douchebag of the Year Awards.

Douchebags come in all sorts of sizes, shapes and colors. Some are an annoyance, a boil on the collective ass of the world. Others are monsters, cold-blooded killers, or pricks in general. This top 5 list is who I found to be the grandest of Grand Marshall Asshats of the past year.

5) The Media Collective
We get it, you think Barack Obama is a swell guy. You think he's so swell that you cream your jeans and your tongue falls out of your mouth anytime somebody mentions his name. At least do us all a favor and stop pretending to be fair when it comes to politics. This goes to networks, fishwraps and "analysts" on both sides of the aisle. Thanks.

4) Sean Hannity

Speaking of the media and "analysts", this dude here gets a special mention. I mean look at that look. That alone makes me want to break the end of a claw hammer off in his face.

Listen man, I don’t know if you know this but you have one of the top 5 radio talk shows in the country. You know, the United States of America? Yeah, that country. Just because somebody from the opposing political party wins an election doesn’t mean that you’re a “conservative in exile” or that conservatism in general is “in exile”. It means your party sucked this year, and they’ve got another shot at reclaiming some sort of power in two more years. You wonder why your detractors say conservatives are fearmongers. Runaway slaves were “in exile”. Jews in Germany were “in exile”. You’re a rich political talking head with 2 TV shows and a radio show to boot. Piss off.

Oh, and stop with the “You’re a great American” tripe. Just because someone listens to your show doesn’t make them a great American. I wipe my ass after using the bathroom, does that make me a great American? I would say yes, because a lot of people don’t, and you can definitely tell. I personally think people with smelly cornholes are the number two contributor to global warming, proving my theory on global warming which states:

Change in Temp. = [BM(GSB)/weight] x 107/ Sheets

Where the weight (in grams) of Big Macs and Grilled Stuffed Burritos are multiplied, then divided by the weight of the person, multiplied by 107 (because it sounds like a good number). That number is then divided by the sheets of toilet paper used to wipe.

I’m such a genius.

I almost lost myself in how awesome I am, back on topic: Hannity has done a lot for the troops and charities. That’s being a responsible, caring individual. I would venture as far to say as that’s what being a “great American” is about: helping others. Too bad you a

ren’t a great American, because you’re a greater douche.

3) John Edwards
I believe we live in two Americas. In one of those Americas, those who struggle just to get by are taxed to hell and back, while the other America has an energy-hogging 28,000 square foot mansion.
In one America, the hard working and the honest have to support the freeloaders and those who misuse the generosity of the American taxpayer. In the other America, haircuts cost $400.
In one America, families are (although this may be argued) a respected institution where “for better or worse, for richer or poorer” is held to its most complicated and mind-numbing end. In the other America, a terminally ill wife is thrown to the wayside in exchange for some sweet ass, but used at the most opportune times for political campaign purposes.

In case you hadn't kept up with the news, former Democratic presidential hopeful John Edwards came clean sometime in April about an affair he had in 2006, effectively ruining any chance the sap had at entering the White House as something other than a tourist. The National Enquirer broke the news some 10 months before, and while he adamantly denied it, he also alluded that he was telling "99% truth". "99% truth", coming from a man who claims to be working for the little man while spending up to $1200 on haircuts, one had to wonder what that other 1% was. The National Enquirer kept on the case though, and the dam eventually broke.

He asked for forgiveness, his wife forgave him, and they've since moved on. I don't really have much to add to this, so I'll move on too.

2) Rob Blagojevich
Since I live in St. Louis, I've heard of hopefully-soon-to-be-ex-Governor Rob Blagojevich more often than Joe Blow American that doesn't live in the midwest. The Human Lego has recently garnered some unwanted national attention for gross misconduct (read: being a politician in general) by allegedly attempting to sell Barack Obama's vacant Senate seat in exchange for cash and prizes and attempting to extort the Chicago Tribune. I don't know a whole lot about what all is going on (Wikipedia it if you want to read the whole thing), but I was going to put him on this list anyway simply because he looks, sounds, and a cts like a putz. His arrest during the election season and the charges helped seal the deal.

1) Bruce Jeffrey Pardo
What made my job in this category easier last year (but not "better", for lack of a better term) was that last year, there were a ton of crazy psycho killers on the loose: Chris Benoit, Seung-Hui Cho, and the doofus that shot up the mall made this list a breeze. I was seriously wondering who to put on top this year (Barack Obama would be too obvious) until this bozo waltzed into the national spotlight.

Mr. Pardo's ex-wife had their divorce finalized December 18th. The court decided in her favor, making him pay almost $2000 a month in support. Unemployed since July, he protested and told the courts that she took extravagant trips, golf lessons, and payed no rent, no mortgage, and lived with her parents. The courts told him to "man up" and gave the ex-wife the judgment anyway.

No job and no money to pay off the divorce settlement made a man with no history of violence snap. Just before midnight on December 24th, Mr. Pardo went to his newly ex-wife's Christmas party dressed as Santa Claus with a wrapped package and murder on his mind. An 8 year old girl answered the door, and recieved a bullet in her face for her troubles. Pardo then proceeded to kill 3 people (which I'm assuming is his ex and her parents) and incapacitate another 4 with various handguns he brought. After using his guns, he opened the gift he brought with him, and used the home-made flamethrower to torch the building and dissolve the bodies of the dead and dying. His plan was to head to Canada afterward, but after suffering third degree burns on his arms (MacGyver this guy ain't), he instead went to his brother's home and blew his brains out. Too bad this doucheasaurus rex wasn't apprehended and then drawn and quartered. It would have suited him better, methinks.

Well, there you have it, the DOTYs. Go outside and play now.

New Year's Resolutions

2008-12-31T12:10:00.004-06:00

Everybody makes them, .000001% of people keep them (and that, my friends, is a scientifically proven fact). They're the bane of every fat person, every lonely single man, every normal human being with a pulse and a work schedule: New Year's Resolutions.

I normally make them with no intent to keep them, so I usually make astronomical statements like "I'm going to become President of the Pound Puppies Fan Club, St. Louis Chapter" or "I'm going to lose weight". This year, though, I'm going to make fairly reasonable ones that shouldn't be that hard to keep:

1) Save Money
Probably my biggest problem right now is spending money I really don't have to spend, with nothing really to show for it. Sure, I paid off my truck this year and my schooling, but other than that I've purchased things I really don't need or aren't really useful. No more midnight runs to Taco Bell for me, which sort of ties into the next two.

2) Cutting Back on Soda
I've quit before, I can at least cut back, if not give soda up all together. Sure, I'll have an occasional Coke here and there, but nothing like "2-liters a day" like I used to, which will lead to number three...

3) Be Healthier
Without all of the soda and fast food down my gullet, I'll probably waste away before my very eyes. And in no way is that depressing.

4) Read at Least 10 Books This Year
I skipped out on this one for 2008, but I figured in 2009 I can read at least 10 books. Hell I need to do something with all of the books on my shelf that are just sitting there.

Any one out there planning on keeping any resolutions? Post here, if you are (or aren't), and have a Happy New Year.

How Obama Can Earn My Unquestionable Support (Ed's New Rules for Movies)

2008-12-26T14:10:00.013-06:00

Hopefully everyone had a Merry Christmas or whatever it is you celebrate.

With Prez-Elect Barack Obama mere days away from taking the reigns of our country in turmoil, some people are still in shock (and awe) about our incoming President. Maybe it's the whole "black man in the white house" thing, maybe it's because he's a different party affiliation than what you are, or you don't agree with (or understand) his policies. Regardless of the reasoning, many are uncomfortable with Obama becoming President, and would like to have their fears alleviated somehow.

Granted, I'm not one who worships the Obamessiah. I didn't vote for the guy. Sure, he seems like a nice guy and all, but that's beside the point. If Obama wants me to be 101% in his pocket all he needs to do is one thing. Actually, a few.

You see, I went to the movies last night to see "Valkyrie", a movie based on the true story of men within Hitler's Nazi government plotting to assassinate Der Furher near the end of World War II. At least, that's the jist of it. I couldn't tell you much more about it, because there were multiple distractions keeping me from enjoying the movie to it's fullest potential. That's where Obama comes in. If he were to implement some of these suggestions I have (and they're small, really) not only would he be the greatest President of our time, but I would probably build a shrine to him made out of beans and guacamole.

1. - We Understand It's Christmas and You're Working In A Movie Theater. Don't Take It Out On Us.
This one should really be easy to control. It took the theater crew 20 minutes (!!!) to dim the lights after the movie had started. After the first ten or fifteen minutes, people started chatting and wondering why the lights hadn't gone out. So what do the controllers of light do? They turn the lights up. The lights where up on full brightness for another five minutes or so until somebody hit the dimmers. By that time I had already missed a good chunk of the movie due the light glaring in my eye and people talking.
This should be easy to fix: install color-recognizing auto dimmers that are set in place whenever the green "The following preview is rated blahblahblah" previews start. That or have audience controlled dimmers that takes a majority vote as to whether or not the lights should be dimmed. Or just install armed guards in the light control booth, whatever.
If there's a for real lighting problem, let us know. I'd rather have an usher talk for 20 seconds to tell us the light dimmer doesn't work than hear idiots state the obvious for 20 minutes and miss a chunk of the movie. Which brings us to numero two-o.

2. - Shut the Hell Up. Seriously. Or We'll Shoot You In The Face.
Another easy fix. Yes, we know the lights are still on. We understand that, seeing as how we can see that the lights are still on. No need for you to be saying things like "Why are the lights still on? They should turn that shit down" and "Man, they're ruining the movie for me!" every ten seconds. By talking loud during a film, you ruin it for others. You become part of the problem.
If you've ever been to a theater, you know that, lighting malfunction or not, people talk. Sure a little bit of talking or laughter is fine, especially if the scene is shocking or funny, but for the love of all things bright and good in this world, it's not funny when Tom Cruise's character has problems quickly assembling a bomb because the poor bastard only has one hand. Which reminds me...

2.5 - A New Ratings System
Let's face it: the age rating system is, all puns aside, old and outdated. I was watching R and PG-13 rated movies long before I was of age. What 8 year old boy growing up in the 90's (or the 80's for that matter) hadn't seen an Indiana Jones flick? The current rating system is a general suggestion about the movie:
This movie has a lot of violence, or disturbing images, or a serious subject matter, and should only be seen by those aged 18 or over.
Aside from the regular attendant, however, this does nothing to restrict people from coming in. However, just because you're young doesn't mean you can't understand or appreciate what's going on in an R-rated film. The same holds true for the opposite: just because you're of age doesn't mean that you can understand or be mature enough to accept what's happening in the movie (as the doofus who laughed at Tom Cruise's lack of a hand pointed out...again, no pun intended).
So how can we correct this? Simple: some sort of chart. Maybe every year the public takes an IQ test and the movie, instead of being restricted based on age, is restricted based on a chart with an age and a comparable IQ. If you're 21 and have the IQ of a sponge, we're sorry, you can't come in and watch "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button". "My Bloody Valentine 3D" is that way. Make it a law that in order to go into the theater you must have these papers handy and checked.
Or just install armed guards in the theater. Whatever.

2.5.5 - Cell Phone Users Should Be Executed On Site If They Do Not Turn Their Phone Off Or Excuse ThemselvesEvery theater has the "Please silence your cell phone" screens before every movie, and probably have had them since the rise of the pager. Still, people don't silence their phones. Now, you don't have to turn the all the way off: if you're a doctor or some sort of important person, that's one thing. But to have your phone go off and you let the whole ringtone play out, check who it was and while you have your phone out and open you don't silence your phone. Then they call back again?!? Sorry, it's off to the gallows with you.
Now, if you have to take a call, don't take it in the theater (which I've seen numerous times). Go out into the lobby and have your convo there. On the same token, don't get up too much, or the people in your row get a free shot at your balls everytime you get up and leave.
Or you get sniped as you walk out out of the building.

3 - No Kids If It Isn't A Kid Movie
Would you take your 5 year old to see "Freddy Vs. Jason"? I wouldn't. Some people think it's a good idea, though. And while I think those people should be irradiated from the gene pool, laws and my love for freedom prevent me from doing so. If you can't find a babysitter, go out at a later date. This does include your newborn baby that cries every 3 minutes. And if you do smuggle the baby in, give the kid some rum on his lips or something.

That's all I can think of right now. I'm sure there are a few that I missed, but I'm off to work. Feel free to add any that I may have forgotten in the comment section. Like I said, easy fixes to these problems: technological installments, or a 1984 type set up with guards every time you turn a corner. A bit police-state-ish of me? Yeah, but if it means I can enjoy my movies, I say bring on the Two Minutes' Hate.

...My Fingers Hurt Already...

2008-12-19T21:36:00.004-06:00

Have a looksie: http://www.metallica.com/index.asp?item=601748

Do I really need to say how excited I am? I gave GH: Aerosmith a pass because, frankly, I'm not a big enough fan to play a handful of songs on a fake plastic guitar. But this game is rumored to have Kyuss, Slayer, Queen (!!!) and more, plus I can play the drums and sing too?

Now I really can be like Lars Ulrich, the Prince of the Douches.

You know, minus the spitting on the crowd and suing any fans I may have.

Tidbits

2008-12-10T08:25:00.006-06:00

Ok, I haven't posted in a while. I'm just making sure I still know how to type.

I've been pretty busy here recently, with Christmas fast approaching and school all but wrapped up. Here's a quick update on the past few months:

MusicWho let the dinosaurs out? In September we got Death Magnetic, Metallica's 9th studio album, in October, we got Black Ice, AC/DC's bajillionth studio album, and last month we saw a new album from Guns N Ro...

Wait, what? Yeah, Chinese Democracy was finally released in November. And its a hell of a lot better than then demo tapes that leaked on the interwebs. Ball's in your court, 3D Realms.

School
School is about wrapped up as well. I'm currently working on my demo to be shipped out to radio stations across the country. I'm also on the air here in St. Louis.

Well, sorta. I was picked up to be a voice in a few jewelry store commercials that are playing on the alternative rock station here in San Louie. Nothing major, but getting paid $10 for about two minutes worth of work isn't bad. That works out to about $300/hr, if my math serves me correctly. Good stuff.

Social Life
Having a girlfriend is a bit odd for me: someone to make fun of the world with has been a life-long dream of mine, and it's double awesome finding someone as like-minded as myself. Whoever said opposites attract was probably an unhappy hermit who wanked while thinking of his neighbor's goats.
Oh, she's a blogger too. Since she updates a bit more frequently than I do, you should read her page when you get the time. That is, whenever you're done with the goat thing.

Vidja GamesI must apologize to my readers (all 4 of you) for neglecting you for the past few months. You see, when the holidays roll around, video game companies release their mega-ultra-humongous blockbusters. The collage above are the games I've bought in the past six weeks alone (although AC and R6V2, not exactly "new releases", were only $10 new, and Brothers in Arms was $20. Gotta love Black Friday). Zombie-exploding mayhem game Left 4 Dead, post-apocalyptic time-waster Fallout 3 and Gears of War 2 have consumed what time I have left that I'm not
A) At school
B) With the lady
C) Working

(Ed. Note: Axl Rose looks like he would fit in well in the L4D world. Jus' sayin'.)

That's about all, really. Nothing has really pissed me off recently that I care to blog about, aside from the idiots who happen to play on Xbox Live.

Wait...

Humanoids Unite

2008-11-16T20:54:00.004-06:00

Well, it turns out Mr. Powerbomb Yo has started a new blog, entitled Humanoids Unite. Go there to gander at his wards. Wards, which are not fair maidens he may or may not have abducted, but drawings. Which he may or may not have abducted.

No geishas of Japan or harlots of India. Just humor. Go there and leave some comments, show some love. For me.

That is all.

Gas Watch, Week 2

2008-11-14T01:51:00.007-06:00

Week Two of...GAS WATCH!

Where are we this Friday in St. Louis?

...I guess my first post was right. The trend continues.

This is just days after I snapped this:
Now to some people, a four cent drop is no big deal. But to me, a guy who drives a gas-guzzling V8 engine half-ton Ford, it's a God-send, especially when gas prices are this low (yes, I know $1.84 for gas isn't "low" when compared with 1999/2000 when it was $.99, but compared to $3.85? Yeah, it's cheap.)

Maybe with all of this money I'm saving, I can get out on my own and do my own thing. My own house, with a white picket fence, a dog in the yard, and a wife to daily cook 3 lbs. of bacon for me. Preferably while nude.

Or a golden toilet.

Or a real live wombat. Bred with a gorilla. Just because I can.

Or a clone of myself that'll actually blog. Yeah...that sounds good.

The Day I Killed A Customer...

2008-11-10T21:15:00.000-06:00

...sort of. But not really.

A week or so ago I was walking around the store, hunting for some customers to help out and hopefully improve my meager commission check when Bob, an esteemed colleague of mine, comes up to me and says,

"Ed, this lady needs some help."

points out the lady, and walks off. Knowing Bob isn't one to just give up customers unless he's either really busy or really irritated (and seeing how he was walking and talking with another coworker, I figured it was the latter), I approached the lady with caution.
After greeting the lady, she informs me that she's looking at the klik klaks (or convertible/futon sofas, whatever you want to call them) and was wondering how they worked. She seemed nice enough, so I gladly pulled out the model next to us, showed her how it folded out flat, and the various traits that particular sofa had. I told her to lay down and tell me what she thought, then told her the catch with the one she was on was that there were immovable arms on it which would make it hard to lay on if you were taller than 6 ft. or so.

She complained that the faux leather was really uncomfortable (it wasn't just the fabric though...all the convertible sofas we sell are very uncomfortable), so I decided to show her another, less fake leather-y model we had, which closely resembles the one in the photo above. I folded it down and began again to explain the functions of the sofa like the storage bin underneath, more room, you know, all that salesman stuff. As I explained the sofa, she laid down in the middle of the sofa, and tried to roll over and get comfortable when the sofa began to tip backwards. I reached down to hold the sofa on the ground, but it was too late: the sofa tipped her back and she rolled onto the concrete floor.
At first she let out a "Woah!" before she slid off the sofa, but after she landed on the ground, she laid there for a little bit, moaning and breathing. She didn't hit her head, and she didn't fall from a great height or anything. She slowly slid off a seat and onto her butt (which probably absorbed 98% of the fall, from the size of it). Bob saw what happened and rushed over to help the lady, but she looked at him and threw her hand out, saying something to the effect of "You get away from me!". Bob stood up, looked at me with a puzzled look, and walked off.

After a few minutes of oooohs and aaaahs, my boss came back to check on the lady, and I gave him some space and caught up with Bob. It turns out while he was talking and walking with the other coworker, they walked by the lady, who was looking at the sofa. After walking by her, she spoke up, saying how "rude" it was to walk by a customer without saying anything to her, despite her being talked to mere moments before. After "appologizing", Bob asked her what she needed.

"Oh no. No no no. I don't want YOU helping me. I want someone ELSE".

Enter: me. Bob also hypotheisized that she told him to get away from her because, for whatever reason, she maybe blamed him for her falling. Maybe she thought he rigged it for her to fall over, despite being 50 feet away. Maybe she just didn't want to talk. We didn't know.

While I was up front talking with Bob, an ambulance rolled up and two paramedics walked in and asked where the lady fell. We pointed them into the direction and gave each other an "Oh geez..." sort of glance. Now, I'm no doctor, but I am a thinker: the speed at which she slid (not fell off the sofa...slid) was miniscule. The only way the landing would have hurt her the way she landed would be if she had prior back problems, which I personally doubt, because of the ease she got on and off the first sofa despite being a larger, older woman.
The paramedics walked out the door a few minutes later and returned with a stretcher.
"What the...you're kidding me right?" I said to the paramedic. He looked at me and rolled his eyes, like he knew what was up.

Bob and I went out to lunch shortly after that and continued our discussion on the incident of the day:

"You know why that lady fell don't you?"
"Because the sofa didn't latch correctly? Because the base was messed up?"
"No, no, no Ed. It wasn't because the sofa wasn't functional. It was karma. I'm a big believer in karma. The lady knew she was wrong in getting mad at me and fate bit her in the ass. Now she's paying $10,000 for a ride to the local hospital, which, if its the same hospital I think it is, is painful in and of itself."
"You think she's gonna sue?"
"...what do you think?"

Long story short, she's paraded through the front of the store, moaning and screaming (yes, screaming), making a scene when she gets outside in front of the building, then she's loaded into the ambulance, and carted off. Next weekend I find out, surprise, surprise, she's suing the company.

Also found out that the sofa she fell over on had hidden zippers on the back, which hid legs that folded out. Nobody else in the store (including the showroom manager, who knows how many fibers go into any given Ashley furniture piece) knew they were hidden in the back of the seat. Ahhh, karma.

I'm Gonna Leave This Here...

2008-11-06T12:59:00.004-06:00

...along with the date: 11/6/08, as a reminder that gas actually went down at one time.
Hopefully this trend continues. My pocketbook loves it.

...and now, another Public Service Announcement...

2008-11-04T02:30:00.002-06:00

It's November 4th.

If you can, exercise your Constitutional right to vote and go out there and vote.

Or exercise your Constitutional right not to vote and don't. Whatever.

A Tale of (Possibly) Two Drunks

2008-10-26T04:10:00.002-05:00

Having just turned 21 not too long ago, it would be safe for you to assume that I've had my fair share of copious amounts of alcohol. I've never actually passed out from drinking a ton, but I have paid my humble respects to the porcelain idol a few times, forgotten what I did the previous night, and wondered why a monkey with a tutu, holding a power drill and wearing a George Bush mask was standing in my room when I woke up.
Back to my actual post: A few weeks ago I was sitting at a local Denny's at 2 in the morning with my brand-spanking new penguin-poaching, toddler-kicking, hyphen-loving sidekick (and newest blog affiliate/mistress) Casey and her sister, drinking some soda, minding my own business when our waitress comes over and asks me to help a guy out to his vehicle.
Curious, and desperate for a blog post, I decided to head over to see what the issue was. According to his mother, he had just found out his wife/girlfriend/significant other had been seeing someone else behind his back, causing him to drink more than the human body can process. In the process of this failed process, he had passed out in his booth seat in the back corner. After some verbal coaxing from his mother and the two waitresses on duty (and no help from yours truly) the man made it out to the minivan and was on his way to a wonderful morning the next day, filled with happiness, sunshine, rainbows, and possibly some 40-caliber aspirin.
The next drunk may or may not have been drunk, but rather insane. There's a stretch of road a few miles from my place called the Loop, where all the cool kids go to hang out, grab some Starbucks, and hit up a concert venue, or go to some record shop and listen to the latest trendy band. I was down there with Casey and her sister once again, but this time PowerBomb Yo decided to get in on the beveraging action.
So me and PB walk into the coffee shop on a blustery cold night and hop in line to buy our delicious, overpriced coffee. As I hop in line and unzip my leather coat I notice the man in front of me is giving me the big old stinkeye. Pete is about 6'3", skinnier than a pencil, old, and black. Not to mention scary looking. So I look back at him and then notice he's looking at my shirt, which that day read "I survived the Blackout of 2003 in New York". I don't know if he had a hard time reading it or what, but whatever it was, it didn't look like it pleased him much.
Basically this guy comes into the Starbucks often, and sits and basically rants for hours. I don't remember everything he said, but I do recall

"Michael Jackson only looks the way he looks because he has all that money."

"Why ain't anyone happy? People need to be happy these days."

and the guy at the counter asking him who he was talking to, to which he replied

"I'm talkin' to you but you ain't listenin'!"

It's nice to know that the people at Starbucks are cool enough to play along with the crazy nut bar (I'm sure they get just as big a kick out of it as anyone else).

Something tells me that at this rate, though, I'll end up being the crazy guy walking around spouting gibberish about gibberish and talking to cups and people who don't exist and people who aren't paying attention.

Kinda like now...dammit.

A Call to PowerBomb

2008-10-26T03:48:00.001-05:00

Here's an actual transcript of a conversation I had with my blogging-deficient friend PowerBomb Yo!:

PB: Dude you just scared the crap out of me.
Me: How?
PB: I'm sitting here playing Dead Space and there was this demon space creature running up to me and he got like right in my face.
Me: Yeah...?
PB: Then my phone started vibrating in my pants.
Me: Yeah...?
PB: ...and it scared the crap out of me.

Alone in space in the dark with creepy demonoid monsters trying to kill you? And the only way to kill them is to decapitate them or remove appendages from their body?

It reoccurred to me that I need this game. Which sucks, because I was only planning on getting two other games this year. And I already have a ton that I don't play now.

PS - Go to PowerBomb's blog (link so graciously given once again) and leave a comment. Remind him his blog still exists and that there are people that wanna read new stuff.

The Final Post on the Election

2008-10-22T03:21:00.003-05:00

Many people have gotten onto me and asked me questions about why I haven't done an insightful look at the US election. Questions like:

"Ed, why don't you talk about Obama's ties to radical terrorists and black empowerment preachers?"

"Ed, why haven't you talked about McCain and the wife he abandoned to snag his trophy wife?!?"

"Ed, why don't you rip Obama's doubletalk apart?"

"Ed, what do you think of Sarah Palin?"

and

"Ed, why haven't you done an insightful look at the US election?"

I've posted how the VP picking process could be made more entertaining for normal Joe the Plumber Americans, but I really haven't said much about the election process or the debates. So here are my answers for you questions:

1. Obama has ties to radical terrorists and black empowerment preachers. There.

2. Have you seen his wife? She's called a trophy wife for a reason...

3. Obama's doubletalk? He's a politician, what do you expect? The truth?

4. I'd hit it.

5. You want insightful? Here's insightful:

A-beddy-a-beddy-a-beddy-that's all, folks.

A Plea

2008-10-14T00:50:00.004-05:00

So I got out of work today a bit earlier than usual (but not early enough...we were pretty much dead for a good hour or so) and I decided to go to my old stomping grounds and get some Coke for the evening.

The soda. I swear.

Anyway, I roll up to my old Family Dollar stomping grounds and rudely cut my phone conversation off when I see three police cars sitting in front of the store and my old boss standing outside in her normal civilian clothes. After parking I get out to see what the deal was. I was greeted with an enthusiastic hello and a crazy story that's really not that crazy.

The assistant manager that replaced me was on the register not 15 minutes before I arrived when a man came in to buy some Doritos. He grabbed his chips, and got into the line, put the bag of chips on the counter, and pulled his money out. As the assistant finished the transaction and the cash register opened, Chip Man shoved his hand into the register to steal some cash. The assistant replied with a non-verbal "Awwww hell naw" and held his hands in the register. Why she didn't slam his hand in the drawer is beyond me, but whatever. I don't know if he got any money out of the drawer or not, but I do know that he ran out of the store and around the building, disappearing into the night.

Long story short, the local police were dusting the register and exit door for fingerprints, and the assistant and another associate (who's probably going to end up replacing her as assistant manager) went to go possibly ID the suspect the police had caught just down the road. Enter: me. After explaining to me what was going on, my boss dragged me to the side of the store.

Edward, when are you coming back?
...
Really, will you come back? Please?
No. Nothing against you, or anyone else here. I just hate the company. They owe me money, and a good chunk of my life. No way.
I know, and it's gotten worse. We have a new Regional Vice President who plays everything by the book.
Well, its about time. Don was an asshole who had an axe to grind with everyone in St. Louis.
No, it sucks. He calls up the District Manager wanting inventory estimates. If you're $100 off or more, you get reprimanded.
On an...estimate? An inventory estimate that means absolutely nothing in the long run?
Exactly. This guy's a prick from what I've heard.
And why do you think I want to come back? I didn't like it beforehand when the easy-going prick with an agenda was in charge, now you want me to come back when the white knight goody-two-shoes by-the-book prick is in? I'd get fired my first month for punching someone in their face.

I don't want to sound like I'm gloating or anything, but everything that I thought would happen when I left, happened. I'm not saying I was the glue that holds the whole place together (that would be my former boss, who busts her ass to make everything move smoothly. If she was the concrete foundation that made the store work, I would be more akin to duct tape), because quite frankly I was (and still am) a lazy bastard who refused to bust my hump like they wanted me to for $8.50 an hour, but in the 3 months that I've gone, an assistant manager gets fired, an associate walks out with $1800, sales go down, and a bevy of attempted robberies add the icing to the turdtastic cake.

I'm so glad I'm not there anymore.

The Interior Designers from Hell

2008-10-07T05:44:00.004-05:00

For a guy who works in a furniture store, I know exactly squat about interior design. Sure, if you put a pillow next to a sofa and ask me if the colors go together, I'm pretty decent with that, but anything other than that and I'm as useful as a dookie-flavored Dum Dum.

Yesterday at work was just another day: we're having a fine furniture sell-off event, to try to bring in people who are looking for higher-quality furniture: mostly leather sofas, sectionals, sets, etc. In doing this sell-off, we're open on Mondays, something we normally don't do (Weekend's Only seems to encompass the dealings of the store quite well). Whenever we are open on Mondays, they tend to be, for all intents and purposes, dead. We'll get a few stragglers from the Value City across the street, but other than that we don't have a lot of traffic coming in and out of the store. So my day started out just like the first day of last week: dead.

A woman eventually flags me down and gets a ticket going for $1800 worth of furniture, but tells me after I get it written up that she's on her lunch break, and doesn't have a credit card with her. She'll be back later on that night to finish the transaction. Figuring I'd just wasted 20 minutes, but hoping that she would actually come back, I kept her order in the system. Hey, if she's the only sale I get that day, I might as well keep it open in case she actually DOES come back around (I don't know if she ever came back. I didn't close down shop last night).

Two ladies then come in looking at sleeper sofas. I show them the selection we have, and they decide to run across the street to look at VC's selection of sleepers and whatnot. Fair enough. I told them I'd catch them when they come back.

Not long before the two ladies came in, two more came in: an older lady and a girl that probably wasn't much older than myself. Turns out they were interior designers who were doing an open house for some clients, and they needed a boatload of stuff. The younger girl told me she'd grab me after a while when they get some stuff. She was very insistent that when they get their stuff that the checking-out process would be quick. I told them they shouldn't have a problem if they tell me when they want something so I can add it to their ticket, that way when they go to the front to check out all I have to do is give the cashier the ticket, and they pay and leave.
So I go around straightening pillows and re-aligning sofas and chairs when the original two ladies come back in. They want the sleeper they were looking at originally, and they want to look around a bit and see what else they can get. So I get their ticket going and continue to straighten pillows while I wait for both groups to get their shopping done.

About 20 minutes later, the young girl comes up showing me a bunch of stuff they want: 5 or 6 lamps, a mirror, and some wall art. Easy enough; I write it down and she tells me they're still looking for stuff. I told them to take their time and grab me when they get the rest of the stuff they want.

I chat the sleeper sofa ladies for a second, pushing our protection plan we sell and a recliner that didn't have a tag on it for whatever reason. So I grab my boss and get him to find the price and item number on the recliner for me when the ladies express interest in the recliner. After he did that, I turn around to see the older lady and the younger girl carrying 4 different vases, another 6 lamps or so, some pillows, and more various trinkets to the front and making a huge pile of stuff. I run over to start writing the stuff down when the younger girl grabs me and tells me there's a chair and ottoman set she wants along with some stuff in the back clearance section. So I run back there and write down the chair/ottoman, as well as the dresser, the chest, and the other 2 lamps she wants.

"Ok, got these down, I'll put them on your tab. What date did you want to shoot for on delivery?"
"Oh, I have a delivery set for tomorrow, I was wanting to know if I could add it to that."
"Not a problem, do you have your receipt from the first order on you?"
"...No."
"Ok, do you know your order number?"
"...No. I know it's coming out of the Fairview Heights, Illinois store though."
"...so you want the Fairview store to send their truck some 40 minutes out of the way to come all the way out here, pick your stuff up, then move it to your place?"
"Yeah!"
"It doesn't work like that ma'am."
"So I'll have to pay a separate delivery fee?"
"For the stuff coming out of here? Yes, ma'am."
"That's ridiculous. I spent over $7000 here the other day, I demand that the truck brings both store's things!"
"You spent $7000 here? Or Fairview Heights?"
"Here!"
"Well, did you get a delivery?"
"Yeah, for tomorrow!"
"Is anything coming out of here?"
"Yes! All of it is!"
"You just said that the truck is coming out of Fairview Heights..."
"I'm getting a second one from there!"
"Well, why didn't you say that?"
"I did!"
"..."
"You need to listen better."
"..."

So we walk back toward the front, where I find the older lady still bringing stuff up to the front: bookends, plates, metal artwork, and just junk in general. I continue to write the numbers down and get everything in order on the sales ticket when the older lady starts to complain:

"This is taking forever. We've been here for two hours now! It's six o'clock! You said this wouldn't take long!"
"I also said it wouldn't take long if you grabbed me when you wanted more stuff added to your ticket instead of waiting until you grab some 30 items before you grab me."
"Well, you need a better system here! I shouldn't have to wait this long! It's ridiculous!"
"Well I'm sorry you feel that way ma'am. Maybe if you were better prepared with order numbers and actually followed directions you'd be out of here already."

She wasn't happy and my boss got onto me for dogging this lady, but she ended up buying her $2100 worth of stuff, and the sleeper ladies bought the sleeper and recliner they wanted. Over $3000 for a bit over 2 hours work? I'll take it.

Bedknobs and Blown Noses

2008-10-05T13:43:00.001-05:00

Dear Immune System: I hate you.

I swear the box of tissues near my computer is for my nose. Really.

It seems like anytime the weather wants to change (and being in St. Louis, this tends to happen every other day), my immune system decides to go on strike. Such was the case of the past week or so.

I felt the rumblings of a cold coming on about two weeks ago. My bed, which was briefly mentioned on here what seems like forever ago, was on its final leg (or should I say coffee can?) and I figured "Hey, I work at a furniture store, I can get a new one!". So I did. The great thing about working at my place is that once every five years you work there, you can get a 65% discount off any Serta mattress set. An $800 mattress set for $300? Sign me up.

So I go grab some Taco Bell before the big deconstruction party, ate, and started on an epic journey with wrench in hand. About an hour into the ordeal, I began feeling really exhausted. Figuring I was just tired from work, lugging broken bed parts and old floppy, worn out mattresses outside, I fought on. Eventually I got my bed outside, and my new frame set up. It was about 2 in the morning when I finished, so I figured I'd turn in for the evening. After setting up shop on the living room sofa, I began to shiver uncontrollably and sweat like a beast. I called off work the next day because I was a sweaty, muggy mess with what felt like a 50 pound head. The day after, however, I was a bit better, so I went into work, did my shift and went to pick up my mattress only to find out that the "mattress-on-the-cheap-for-employees" was once a quarter, not an anytime thing. The next quarter starts up in December. Now there's no way in Hell I'm sleeping on the living room sofa for 3 months, so I bought a cheap spring mattress and decided to just sleep on the floor for a few months. Very hip, if I do say so myself. After all, a firm mattress on a floor when I had what equated to a waterlogged noodle as a mattress might actually be good for me. Help me with my posture, ya know. No big deal, right?

Wrong. I got sick again because, being right next to the vent in my room as opposed to being above it like I was in my old bed, the cold air blowing in the night froze me half to death, even under the 2 blankets I was using. So bam, the next week I felt like crap again. Had to cancel school and miss a day of work.

After a few days of recovery (read: drinking a bottle and a half of NyQuil), I began to feel better: I went to work, school, and even began hanging out with friends. My cough, however, made it very hard to do things I once loved doing, like laugh, shout at children, and make out with beautiful women. It still lingers to this day, actually. If you roam the large furniture warehouse and listen attentively, you can hear the faint echo of a cough, or a throat clearing.

Other than that I'm good really. Saw some interesting things on TV while I was sick, which you will find out about...next.

Ed's Top 5 Rules for Rawk Shows

2008-09-30T13:02:00.002-05:00

(Ed. note - This post has been done since May. I just went looking through all my old posts that weren't done yet and notice that this one was done...my bad.)
Music is my life-force. It permeates my life in every aspect. Emo diary entry from some childish 19 year old who desparately clings to her need to be different than everyone else, so she makes herself an outcast, then complains that she's an outcast? No, actually, its the truth: I love music.

That being said, whenever I have a chance to go hear music live, I usually take the opportunity to go. So when I won some tickets to Pointfest (a music festival thrown by the local alternative station out here in St. Louis) a few months back, I couldn't be happier. Serj Tankian, Coheed and Cambria, Killswitch Engage, Filter and more? Sign me up.

Of course, whenever you get almost 22,000 people in a relatively small area, mix in angry white man music, turn the heat up and add in buckets of alcohol, the fan will be caked with proverbial feces.
That being said, I had an enjoyable time. However, I had to deal with my fair share of douchebaggery. So I've decided to write the top 5 rules (and their addendums) for rock shows that'll help make the next concert you go to a more enjoyable experience for one and all.

5. Not Everything Is Mosh-able

Uncle Sam will stomp you.

This should go without saying, but then again, I think all of these should. I'm all for kids thrashing each other around and jumping around when there's a whiplash-inducing song on (see: Killswitch Engage). What I'm not cool with, however, is moshing for the sake of saying "Look at me, I'm moshing!" and "I'm hard! I'm cool! I weigh 89 pounds and I was in a mosh pit!" (see: While the front man for Shinedown is telling everyone to get their lighters out for the ballad-ish song they're about to sing). That can only end in failure. Not to mention you looking like a idiot. Just because you ran through an opening in a mosh pit doesn't make you hard, just like pushing a bunch of drunk people around doesn't make you tough. Tough men eat thumb tacks and cyanide. While watching re-runs of Strawberry Shortcake.

4. Down in Front! Get in Back!
For the freakishly tall readers of my blog (which, at last tally, was a 0), please have the courtesy to not be an ass and stand in front of the vertically challenged humans in the crowd. Now, with large crowds and outdoor events sometimes it can be understandable if you're blocking someone's view. It happens. But if you have to stand in front of somebody, don't stand directly in front of the shortest person around you, unless you want your kidney's bruised. Speaking of bruising...

3. Crowd Surf Wisely. Violence Will Be Used to Enforce This Ordinance

This is acceptable. Shamu steamrolling itself up front is not.

I've never crowd surfed, for obvious reasons: I'm not an ass (well, I am, but you get my drift). I know that I'm a big guy, and I don't expect pencil-necked emo kids to throw my fat arse to the front of the crowd. So when I have 15 year old, 100 lb kids floating over my heads, I don't mind it. I do, however, mind sweaty, fat, 50 year old men that make 3 of me hitting me with their sweaty nasty arm flab. No, dickhead, you aren't back in '84, and you don't weigh less than an elephant raping a Jeep. Times have changed. You've let yourself go. So if you get near me, in the words of Gandalf the Grey, "You shall not pass." I'll pull you down every time. I don't care if you give me the evil eye when you roll yourself back to an upright position, I'll knock your drunk ass out before you can say "beer run".

Also, the unspoken rule of crowd surfing is "Hands up, feet up". Keep your hands and feet up so you don't punch/kick anyone in the head on accident. This also includes trying to be Liu Kang from Mortal Kombat, rapidly kicking your feet in a circular motion while surfing. Of course, guess who got kicked in the head by our wannabe fighting game star? Yep. And guess who got pulled down, jacked in the kneecap, and Hulk-tossed back into the crowd? You guessed it.

3.1 - Surf in Moderation
People want to enjoy the music they've paid damn good money to see. A crowd surfer every once in a while is ok. However, when there is a constant stream of people kicking you in the head, clawing your face, crushing you and distracting you in general, it tends to grate on your nerves. So please, if you see 20 people crowd surfing at the same time in the same 25 foot area, don't add to the mix. Jump around. Sing along. There's tons of other stuff to do.

3.2 - Bathe
Soap was made for a reason, you damn dirty ape. Use it.

2. Stuff Will Be Thrown. You Will Be Hit. Deal.

Delicious, delicious projectiles...

If you go to a classic rock show (Rush, Santana, Journey, etc), the crowd is older. More relaxed. Possibly high on various drugs. Things are cool.
Modern rock festivals? Mix in a hot day, sunburn, heavy music, empty plastic bottles and gallons of crappy domestic beer (oh, and drugs) and you have a recipe for annoyance.

While on the lawn in front of the main stage, people in the back of the lawn decided to be cute and throw cups and bottles forward, causing a rain of trash and stale nachos. Some drunk guy in front of us got pissed and decided to turn around and look to find the person that hit him with a bottle. Of course, when you've got some 200-300 people behind you, you're more apt to find Waldo than someone that will admit to throwing a bottle at you. What Drunky McDoofus (who looked to be in his mid to late 20's) failed to realize was that turning around and searching the crowd in an irritated matter automatically makes you a target for trash.
Not 3 minutes later, another bottle hits him, causing him to wig the hell out. About 15 feet in front of me was a kid (by kid I mean 15 or so) and his crew who saw what happened, and produced LOLs. This infuriated our Cro-Magnon friend and his just-as-stupid cohort, who proceeded to bum rush the kids, start talking trash to them, and being bullies in generall. I guess alcohol really does make your penis bigger. Eventually, they went back to their hole, where they were confronted by some biker looking dudes and chicks, who wanted to prove that they, in fact, had bigger penises.

Hell unleashed, with the biker lady getting all up in their faces and telling them to pick on someone their own size and the like. Eventually security came and shut everyone down, told everyone to chill the hell out, and have fun. And as they said, such it was. People calmed down a tad in the back and the show went on.

2.1 - Don't Throw Anything At All.
Of course nobody would have to deal with crusty pretzels and cheese in their hair if people would just knock off the whole "throwing stuff" thing. Empty plastic bottles, maybe, since they have no weight to them, but old pizza? Half full beer bottles? That's just asking to get your face stomped in. Really. You wouldn't want to get hit in the face with jalepenos and pizza crust, what makes you think someone else wants to?

1. Have Fun
It's music. You're there to hear music you love from bands you enjoy along with other people who love the music. Just because you know all the words and have the ultra rare deluxe Sweedish vinyl album doesn't make you better than the kid who just found out the band existed. Chill out, and enjoy.

So that's all. I mean really, these aren't that hard to follow, are they?

More Signs of the Impending Apocalypse

2008-09-30T12:11:00.000-05:00

The more time goes on the more and more I feel like some sort of crazy false prophet televangelist type guy, because there's always something that happens that makes me think "Well, Jesus, what are you waiting for THIS time?", and this case probably isn't any different.
No, not the stock market plunge, the financial bail-out, Russia's rape of the country of Georgia. No, I'm talking about two of the greatest entertainment urban legends of all time are probably going to be released sooner rather than later (no real concrete dates, of course. That's what made these two jokes of the entertainment industry infamous in the first place). What am I talking about? Well if you thought it was anything of significance, you're dead wrong. I mean, look where you are.

Read on...

Chances are if you've played video games for an inkling of time, you've heard of Duke Nukem, the wise-cracking, stripper-loving, alien-blasting bad ass that saves the planet while spouting one-liners from hilariously bad B-movies. Chances are also if you've heard of Duke Nukem, you've heard of his game Duke Nukem Forever, a game over 10 years in the making.

In the video game world, anywhere from 2-3 years is common for sequels to come out (unless of course, your company's name is EA, in that case its 9-12 months down the road, with at least one spin-off guaranteed in that time), but anything longer tends to get scrapped and the developer focuses on something else, but DNF is a special case. How the development team has kept funding coming for the game since 1997 is beyond me.

Duke Nukem? On steroids? Why, I'd never...

To really put the scope of time into context there's The List, which has chronicled the development process, as well as what has happened in the world since the game was announced waaaay back in 1997. The 2nd teaser trailer on the site was released December 2007, with a 'stay tuned' tacked on the end for good measure, but like The List says, just because there's snippets of gameplay going on doesn't mean that the game is near completion. The official release date from the developer 3D Realms is "When it's done". More screens have slowly trickled out of 3D Realms' office in recent months, making many fans hopeful that a release date my be on the horizon.
Hopefully my children will be able to play it sometime on the Xbox 720.

14 years ago, I was 7 years old. 14 years ago, Olympic skater Nancy Kerrigan was attacked. 14 years ago, OJ Simpson led cops on a low-speed chase in Los Angeles, and 14 years ago Pulp Fiction and Forrest Gump were the biggest movies of the year. If you remember these events, congratulations, I guess.
Something else happened 14 years ago, too, that nobody thought would be continuing to this day: rock band Guns N Roses began working on their 6th album, Chinese Democracy, which never got off the ground until, well, varying times within the past 14 years. With frontman Axl the only "classic" band member in GNR now, hopes were low. After all, with Slash and the other original members being in the now defunct rawk supergroup Velvet Revolver and Axl's humongous ego unchecked, it would seem that the GNR "sound" would be gone from the new record, if it ever came out and would be replaced with Axl being...Axl.

Ya need a little patience...yeaaaaaaahhhhh....

Flash forward past the broken promises, lies, line-up changes (including my guitar hero Buckethead) and lawsuits to April this year, when a music blogger leaked mastered, finished versions that may or may not appear on Chinese Democracy. Almost immediately the blogger got a cease and desist letter, and was later questioned and arrested by the FBI for leaking the tracks. Well as you know, things tend to happen with me and music, so I can tell you a bit about Chinese Democracy: it's good, but as everyone assumed, its not Guns N Roses. It's more like "Axl Rose and His Merry Band of Miscreants". Don't get me wrong, there's some great moments in there and despite some questionable performances, (and yes I'll be purchasing it on day one, because I still love Axl, even if he is a douche), Axl still has the pipes to pull off his howls, screams, and yelps. It's just different now. Like I said in my Metallica post, these guys aren't getting any younger and can't sing, or tour, or party, or play like they used to be able to. It sort of comes with the territory, and the quicker people can accept that the quicker we can all move along. But still, for being almost 50, he's still singing damn good. Besides, in a world full of Panic at the Disco and Fall Out Boy and Breaking Benjamin, I think we could all use a little Chinese Democracy.

The question still remains though: which one will come out first? Chinese Democracy is, for all intents and purposes, done, but I wouldn't be surprised in the least bit to hear Axl scrapped the whole thing and decided to start over. On the other hand, never bet against Duke. Personally, I'm expecting the apocalypse, judgement day, the subesquent end of the universe, and an eternity of joy and singing until God gets bored and decides to start the whole process over again before we get both products. But hey, I've been wrong before.

(Ed. Note: What if Chinese Democracy was the SOUNDTRACK for Duke Nukem Forever in this alterna-earth? I think I just had an aneurysm. Of AWESOMENESS.)

Welcome Back, Boys

2008-09-04T17:24:00.019-05:00

Death Magnetic, the 9th studio album from my favoritesty band of all time Metallica is out this Friday, and I was walking into the whole ordeal with skepticism and, dare I say, hopelessness. After a disappointing album last time, could the boys with their new bassist Rob Trujillo somehow recapture the fire that made them famous over 20 years ago?

A quick rundown for those of you who don't know my backstory with the band: I've been a Metallica fan for a while now (sometime in the late 90's, give or take a year or so). I wasn't even around for half their career as thrash-metal protagonists (their first album Kill Em All came out in 1983, 4 years before I entered the scene), so I wasn't a fan in their heyday like many were, so I've been basically imune from the "sell out" cries from the public, as I grew up in their more radio-friendly years. James and the boys have helped me through some of the roughest parts of my life, and for that they'll always hold a special place in my heart. Are the better musicians and bands out there? Sure. But they aren't Metallica.

Anyways, many say that when their eponymous 1991 album Metallica (or the Black Album, whatever you wanna call it), they had lost their edge, and to some extent they were right: gone were speed thrash riffs that melted faces, and in their place were heavy, more radio-friendly hard rock songs.After that, Load (and the sequel, ReLoad) came out, and once again the band changed format: heavy rock songs were out, and in their place, a more blusey, alternative feel. Many fans flipped a wig: how could a thrash band go from making whiplash-inducing music to making slow, modern rock (in one instance psudo-country) songs? The words sellout came out of the mouths of fans. Many turned their backs on the band. Metallica's next big sin, if you will, was when they along with Dr. Dre and other musicians, sued Napster, the file-sharing software that let people trade hundreds of thousands of songs without paying a cent for them. More fans were alienated.Then 2003 rolled around, and Metallica release their first new album in 6 years, St. Anger, which was met with mostly negative reviews. I was disappointed in it personally: some of the lyrical content seemed juvenile and forced (although the Some Kind of Monster documentary shed a different light on the songs), the production values were horrible, but the songs were heavy. For what it is, I like it: frontman James Hetfield had became sober for the first time since his teenage years and long-time bassist Jason Newsted had left the band after Lars and James said he couldn't pursue other musical interests (longtime producer Bob Rock took bass duties on the record). What occured was a band in turmoil, recording that turmoil. It's a mess, but that's what's charming about it, if I may use that term for an album whose last words are "Kill kill kill kill kill kill!" Eventually Rob Trujillo jumped on board and the band was full once again and toured, like Metallica was famous for.

After dropping Bob Rock and seeking Rick Rubin for the production of their 9th album, many fans were excited: Rock was seen as one of the main reasons Metallica had sold out, or changed their style, or whatever. Touring continued, new songs were played, dropped from the playlist, added, and dropped again. Work continued to be done on the album, and fans were let into the recording process, via "fly on the wall" style video snippets that were released on the band's website. Early word on the street was that the album was coming along nicely.

So here we are, a scant 24 hours from Death Magnetic. I happened upon a copy of the album a week early (not gonna divulge my sources...don't worry Lars, I'm still going to buy it), and, while not exactly what I expected, it's a leap in the right direction, and miles above and beyond what St. Anger was. To get a rundown of what it sounds like, many are calling it "the missing link between ...and Justice for All and Metallica", and that's probably the most basic way to describe Death Magnetic. Production-wise it sounds...different. It doesn't have the polished production on Load or ReLoad, nor does it have the sandpaper grit of St. Anger. It sort of falls somewhere in-between. Like an ...and Justice for All, except a bit more polished and you can actually hear the bass this time.
Song-wise, each song carries a trait of a song from Metallica's past. The first single The Day That Never Comes has an intro seemingly lifted from Fade to Black and a thrash breakdown that's reminiscent of the song One, for example. Even the classic Metallica logo was resurrected for Death Magnetic. Now, critics who complained that the Metallica circa 1997
"didn't sound like Metallica and they need to get back to sounding like the 1988 Metallica."
are going to be the same people who say things like
"this Death Magnetic stuff sucks. It's Metallica trying to be their old selves. They need to do something different."
and quite frankly, you suck. Seriously. People who complain for the sake of complaining or hating can piss off. Go back to listening to your "meaningful music" like Kanye West or some indy ball-less emo band that sounds like they're permanently stuck in that special time of the month.

Also striking about the album are the songs themselves: no song is under 5 minutes in length, but, unlike on St. Anger, where most songs seemed to drag on forever, here they're varied enough to have you listen to the whole thing (even the 9:57 song Suicide and Redemption, which took me a whole 3 minutes into the song to realize that it's an effing instrumental. Yet another throwback nod.) I'd do a song-by-song review like many are, but I don't want to ruin it for those who haven't heard it yet. My only gripe is that lyrically, the album is a bit forced at times. Some of the words and phrases James spits out leave me scratching my head ("Reaper/Butchery/Karma amputee"? Really?). Still, the almost universal themes of death, misery, abuse and forgiveness all run congruently throughout the album.

I will say though, that the most intriguing song on the album is, without a doubt, The Unforgiven III. PowerBomb Yo had a long-running joke with me about the song The Unforgiven II. "Sure, you can play on the words 'too' and 'two', but what's gonna happen when they do a third one?!?" he would say, and I'd reply "They'll never do a three. That'd be dumb." Let's just say, I was wrong. While definitely not in the same vein as the other two it, in a bizarre way, is. It starts out with a slower, piano overature of The Unforgiven's guitar intro, and then breaks into a type of Load album riffage. While The Day That Never Comes starts out slow and heavy and throws 4-minutes of thrash in your face at the end, The Unforgiven III is slow for 80% of the song, until the tension explodes into a heavy chordfest and a solo reminiscent of The Outlaw Torn. And its awesome.

If you're still not sure and you think I'm a fanboy ranting and raving (PROTIP: I am), and you want to hear things for yourself, head over to the official Metallica page and listen to the entire album for free. For "money-grubbing old sell-outs who are out of touch with blahblahblah", letting the listening public hear half of your album a week before its released is an interesting move. To the detractors, its a band of old guys wanting to reclaim their former glory by plagiarizing themselves. To the fans, its exactly what they've been waiting for for the past 10+ years.

Long story short (too late), the boys are back. And its about damn time.

UPDATED Ways to Make Obama's VP Pick More Interesting

2008-08-22T22:18:00.008-05:00

Sure, Obama (or Jesus, whatever you prefer to call him) has most of the country by their "hope-change"-in balls, with everyone anxiously waiting to see who he chooses for a vice prez. I actually care too, not because I'm gonna vote for the guy, but because I want to get it over with and have the media to shut the hell up about it. Although after he chooses one, I'm sure they'll talk until election day about how great (or awful, or "great" if you're a more conservative-minded person) a choice he made.

Still, I can't help but feel that sending text messages to his constituents, while modern and "hip", isn't the best Obama could have done. For the guy who's expected to help make the youth turn out in droves and vote, he could have come up with something better.

So I've decided to help out. Yes, yes I know, I'm but a humble blogger, but I've got a few ideas to make the VP selection a bit more exciting.

1. Text-Who's-Next!What better way to get the voter base energized than let them pick who the vice president will be? After all, Obama is a man of the people, why not let the people decide? It'll be like American Idol, minus the talent and the awesome British guy who makes people cry. Of course most people will choose the VP not based on credentials, but their cool sounding last names or their looks. But when you've got a Presidential hopeful like Obama, who's whole campaign is based on credent...oh wait...

2. Fight it Out

Ninja Biden?

I prefer a good old deathmatch myself. May the best man (or woman in Hillary's case...no wait, man. Man was right.) win. Weapons are preferred. Weapons of a slicing, chopping, slicing, bludgeoning, or hacking type are preferred preferred. Besides, with a quadruple amputee as a VP, Obama will pretty much be a shoe-in on sympathy alone. It's a win-win situation, regardless of whether or not the VP can ever eat solid foods again.

3. Strip Poker on CSPAN
...nevermind.

4. A Free-For-All Basketball Game
It's like White Men Can't Jump, but without Woody Harrelson and more Viagra.

These are mere suggestions. Of course, Obama won't pick any of these, but whatever he picks I'll support, simply because the man can do no wrong.

Still I get an "A" for my efforts right? How about a fist-bump?

***UPDATE***

Turns out Obama went with Joseph Biden as his Vice Presidential running mate. Because what says "I'm not like those other politicians! We need change! Let's get rid of the old breed of politicians!" than by choosing a guy who's been in the Senate for 30 years as your VP?

...I need a drink.

Work: Month One

2008-08-18T00:24:00.006-05:00

Well, I've been at my wonderful job for a bit over a month now and its been a pretty good month. Although I've had my fare share of stories and observations, which I shall now share with you.

Lesson on Loyalty
In short: there is none. No loyalty whatsoever.

Whenever people ask whether or not I work on commission, the answer's always "yes". Some people tend to shy away from the fact that their bills depend on the pocketbooks of other people, but I happen to relish in it: mainly because I hope that the customers that buy from me will return to me if they happen to need some other furniture in the future. Sometimes I can understand if I'm not in at work at the time and you have to go to someone else (although you could come in later: that coffee table can wait, you know), but when I greet you at the door after you spend $2000 with me last weekend, and I chat you up and ask you how you're kids are doing and how the new furniture looks in your home, don't walk and talk with me for a half hour, then proceed to grab another salesperson when you want to buy another $1500 worth of stuff. Is it rudeness or a bit of the "gimme gimme now" mentality everyone has these days? Probably a bit of both.

Lessons on Being "Thrifty"
If by "thrifty" you mean "pain in the ass". For some reason, recently whenever people come and ask me if we have a certain item in stock, it seems they always happen to ask for the items that are the only ones left in the St. Louis area. After being informed that the chair or desk is the last one of its kind in our store chain, the item that was once "beautiful", "amazing" and "well priced" is now "damaged", "awful" and "ridiculously priced" (yes, these are the same adjectives used by one person on the same item). What usually follows are inspections by sales team leads, a mathematical calculation, a customer disappointed because the calculator can't tabulate the word "dirt", and me walking away with no sale. Yes, if its the floor model, chances are someone has sat in the chair. No, that doesn't warrant 65% off the price. Get over it.

And now, on to the stories...

"Thriftiness", part Deux
Working mere miles from my old stomping grounds (and being generally in the same business: discounted stuff), I've had a few of my old Family Dollar customers come in, usually with a look of shock to see that I've actually quit my old beloved store. I'm glad to see most of them again. Some however, make me tremble in anger.

Like the small old Indian lady who enjoys haggling (a little FF/Fun Fact for you: she wanted me to discount bathroom towels one time because "they weren't the color she wanted", and tried arguing with me for ten minutes as to why she should get them discounted.). Knowing who she was immediately, I pawned her off on one of the other guys I was in training with. About 5 minutes later, he returns to me demanding I take the cranky old lady and her family back. Turns out she was looking at a $125 coffee table that, surprise surprise, just so happened to be the last one we had. You know the drill: sales lead, inspection, etc. But after tabulating the cost, something interesting happened: my sales lead didn't take any BS from the lady or her husband.

We can sell it to you for $107.
No no no, we'll give you $50.
No, $107.
We'll give you $50.
$107 is as low as we're going to go.
Ok, fine we'll give you $100.
I'm not going to argue with you: $107 or it stays.
Come on, $100, it's only a $7 difference! $7 isn't much.
I know, that's why you're gonna pay it, $107 or no table.

They ended up getting the table, whining and bitching the whole time about their precious $7 my sales lead didn't give them. I'm glad my store doesn't waiver in the face of cheap bastards, unlike FD, where some people are allowed to get away with blatant robbery (more on that to come).

On Colors

Notice any difference?

One day we had a lady come in who was looking for bunk beds. We don't have a huge selection, especially when she narrowed the choices down to her 8 year old kids. We had three to chose from: two black ones and a silver one, all similarly priced (give or take twenty or thirty dollars), but one very distinct difference: the color of their sales slips. See, at our store there are two colors on our sales slips: normal sales slips vary in color, depending on the sales event we have going on at the time; in this case, orange. Clearance items have a lime green slip, along with a description of whats wrong with the item. The first two bunks had the normal orange tags, the third one had a lime green slip, even though there was nothing wrong with it. I can't recall if it was the only one or if there were more in the back, but I'm willing to wager that it was the last one (oddly enough, I didn't happen to get this live wire, but a friend did. I got to have a front seat though, as I was helping another family get a dresser and nightstand at the time.)

Ma'am, there's nothing wrong with it.
But there's a lime green tag, are you sure?
Yes ma'am, my guess is that when printing the sales slips up, the wrong color paper was used.
But clearance tags are green!
Yes ma'am, but clearance items also have a list of things wrong with them. This doesn't.
Well I want it at a clearance price!
...ma'am?
Yeah, I want it discounted because of all the hassle I've gone through!

So my friend calls the boss over, who hears the plight of the lady and informs her that he's inspected the bunk bed and there's no damage on it whatsoever, and that not even our basic "sorta dinged up floor model discount" will be given. Woman freaks out.

Well I'm just a customer! How am I supposed to tell the difference between orange and green?!?

I think that sentence describes the entirety of working in retail in a nutshell. Lights out, time to go home.

Darkest Before The Dawn: My Thoughts on The Dark Knight

2008-08-11T03:33:00.003-05:00

Sure, its a month late. I took a bit of time with the Harvey Dent section.

Ladies and gentlemen: Believe the hype.

If you've followed my blog a bit you might have seen some posts I had following the new Batman film The Dark Knight. Being a huge fan of Batman and Batman Begins (and director Christopher Nolan in general), I've been waiting for a second one since I first left the theater watching Batman Begins. Who would play the Joker? What all was going to happen? When will the damn thing see the light of day?

Sure enough, three years down the road we get an announcement that Heath Ledger would be playing the Ace of Knaves, quickly followed by images of Ledger as the Joker. I'm not going to lie: I doubted Nolan. Out of all the people that could have played the yin to Batman's yang, out of all the actors in Hollywood, you chose him? Don't get me wrong, the guy had skills, but he had since the tone set by Batman Begins was realistic and gritty, I couldn't see Ledger pulling off the Joker.

*Crazy quote about questioning sincerity of seriousness, people dying or magic tricks goes here*

What happened after that was history: a viral marketing campaign that started small but soon escalated into scavenger hunts, dozens of Gotham City websites leading to other websites which lead to teaser trailers and snippets from the movie, and even a cross country campaign to get Harvey Dent elected as Gotham's District Attorney.
The pinnacle of the marketing machine, sadly, was the tragic death of Heath Ledger himself earlier this year. Some sources say that he became so involved with the Joker that the character, as well as issues with his wife and family, drove him to become dependent on various sleeping pills which ultimately lead to his untimely demise.

As I write this, The Dark Knight is the #1 movie in the world, and has broke various box office records and has been #1 in America for a month straight, fending off an X-Files sequel, a new Mummy movie, Will Farrell's Step Brothers and Pineapple Express. Chances are, if you were even slightly interested in the movie, you've already seen it, and since every Tom, Dick and Harry out there has reviews, I'm instead going to post some thoughts and interesting things I had noticed about the movie, as well as a few gripes.
First off, lets get my bellyaching out of the way: I didn't care for the ending all that much (don't worry, if you haven't seen it yet I'm not going to ruin anything). I also thought the fighting scenes, while wonderfully shot, were stiff. For being an urban ninja, it seemed like Batman was trudging along in some of the fights, contrasting the lightning fast beatdowns he administered in Begins.
The whole Hong Kong scene wasn't really needed. I'm sure Nolan could have came up with something better to put in its place. This small list of grievances pale, however, in the scope of the two-and-a-half hour ride. All of the acting is supurb, the action sequences are better than in BB, and, while longer than BB, TDK didn't feel like it.

Everyone rants and raves about Heath Ledger's performance as The Joker (and rightfully so), but Aaron Eckhart's awesome portrayal of Harvey "Two-Face" Dent, Gotham's hopeful District Attorney, get a line or two. Eckhart did a superb job portraying a man who started out with the greatest of intentions but falls from grace after coming to the realization that the only unbiased and fair form of justice in the world is chance, rather than doing things "by the book" and trying to be a crusader of justice in an unjust time, coupled with the fact that criminals and fiends were winning became a burden that he couldn't bear.
Many fans are griping that Harvey Dent/Two-Face's role takes a back-seat in the movie while his comic counterpart was a main enemy of Batman, but I feel that, in order to fit Harvey Dent's story within the movie and to handle it in a realistic fashion, director Christopher Nolan did just fine.Dent's struggle with duality is also explored very well within the movie. In one scene, Dent tries to inspire the city by telling them that Joker will be brought to justice through our justice system, and in another he threatens a goon with a gun, completely bypassing the whole "due process" thing and instead threatens to paint the dingy sewer area they're at with the man's brains. The idea of human duality has always intrigued me, which is why, along with the Joker, Two-Face ranks up there as one of my favorite comic villains of all time: like Batman, Two-Face has no superpowers except his own determination and his hatred. The truth is, we all have a good side, a side that people see, and we have a bad side that only we know of (or, even scarier, may not know of), and that makes a man who leaves the decision of which side will win out to a coin toss a terrifying prospect of a person.

All in all, The Dark Knight satisfied even my high expectations. It's a solid movie that, along with Iron Man, has set the bar for comic movies even higher, helping once again prove that comic book movies are no laughing matter.

Also, RIP Heath Ledger. You left us a bit too soon.

OH SHI-

2008-08-11T02:49:00.004-05:00

Notice anything about this picture from the upcoming movie Soul Men?

Sam Jackson better bust that purple lightsaber out.

The Dark Knight curse my ass. Sure, Heath Ledger died, but Bale only got detained by the cops and Morgan Freeman broke his arm. Aaron Eckhart and Maggie Gyllenhaal are right as rain.

RIP Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes.

A Note to the Media:

2008-08-10T01:05:00.008-05:00

I get it. Barack Obama is a sort of swell guy. Sure, he doesn't have a position on much of anything except "hope" and "change" and if he does it usually changes (as politicians are wont to do), the man can give a hell of a speech, he's a bit of an elitist, and he keeps very interesting company, but overall he seems like a decent guy.

But for the love of everything that's holy (no pun intended), he's not the Second Coming of Christ.

The clouds Duke, the clouds!

I know this may be a shock to some of you, but rest assured that Judgment Day is still a bit off. At least until he loses. (PROTIP: He won't. But then again, I've been wrong before...)

(PS - Yes, I know these have been out for a while. Piss off.)

Patience, Children

2008-07-28T14:12:00.002-05:00

Just letting you know I haven't died. I have about 5 posts still cooking (thoughts on The Dark Knight and work stories being 2 of them), so they'll be rolling out in the near future.

Until then, enjoy Wilfred Brimley cat.

First Weekend at the New Job

2008-07-10T23:13:00.001-05:00

Weekend 1 of my job is done (which is good, since I only work weekends now...good to know I haven't gotten fired yet). Something I was shocked by (although I probably shouldn't have been) is that people are just as annoying as they were at my old job.

Selling furniture is a bit different than watching over a store. While many of you say "duh", it really came as a shock to me: I don't have to watch for people stealing really (after all, how are you gonna carry a 4-piece king bedroom set out the front door under your shirt or in your pants?), instead I talk to everyone that I see, and see if they need help placing an order for one of the many pieces of furniture we have in our warehouse/store. Still, people don't know how to read, or take a simple "no" as an answer.

At my store, we buy either clearance, one-of-a-kind, or overstock brand-name furniture from various distributors. Coupling that with the fact we're only open 3 days of the week, my store is able to give people top-notch, quality furniture at an affordable price. Being that its clearance and all that, some minor drawbacks apply: clearance items don't come with a factory warranty, and since its hard enough to keep track of what we have in stock, let alone what does or doesn't have a warranty, we offer no warranty whatsoever, but instead offer a 5-year "protection plan" you can buy that covers any accidental rips, tears, burns, discoloration, etc to the item. Basically, any accidental damage done, a company comes out and rights the wrong and if they can't, they replace the item.

Why did I tell you this when it has no real importance to the story at hand? Because I don't want to have to explain it later on, and can instead hyperlink back to this blog post when explaining work-related stuff. Yeah I'm a lazy bastard. Sue me.

Anyways, people can't read. Yeah.
I had at least 4 people/families come to me this weekend asking if we do layaway, despite various signs around the store saying "No Layaway" or "Get it before it's gone!" or whatever. One man, who insisted I allow him to place a $200 dollar table and chair set in the back for 2 months (small peas compared to various $2000 bedroom sets we sell and whatnot), asked to talk to the store manager. Now at the Dollar, this wouldn't have been a problem: I was management; whatever I said, went. That and even if I wasn't management, the store had more-or-less 10 people working in it, so I was pretty chummy with the boss and could have some sort of a say in the decision. At the furniture store, there's at least 50 people working there at any given time: I'm not a major player in the store food chain, especially considering I'm new. For a customer to ask for the manager for something so dumb has to take some balls.

One lady and her mother came up to me my first night and asked about an $98 entertainment stand. After she finds out that the display is the last one in the St. Louis area, the center suddenly seems "off balance" and scratches that can be buffed out with some Pledge that didn't worry her until I made mention of the item's availability all of a sudden became an issue.
"Well I won't take it unless I can get something off for it."
"Well ma'am, I can't take anything off of it unless there's some sort of fatal flaw, like a leg or a drawer missing."
"Oh, well I won't take it then."

So she didn't. Whatever. It was 5 minutes to closing anyway, so I could care less.

The next day, I'm paged over the intercom to answer the phone. It's the entertainment center lady.
"Ask your boss if I can get that entertainment center discounted."
After explaining to her that she's probably not going to get anything, I put her on hold and get my sales team lead. She decides to give her 5%, or $5 off the price. I get back to the phone and tell her about the deal.
"$5? That's an insult!"

Riiiight. So I bid her good day and hang the phone up. The next day, she's in the store again, demanding that she talks to my sales lead. So I page the lead and get her up front to talk to the lady. After a whopping 10 seconds I see the lady storm out the front door. Turns out the lady told my lead "I'll give you $80 for the entertainment stand, take it or leave it." Obviously, she didn't take it, and the lady ended up leaving the stand @ the store. See what the lady didn't get was that she took the time to call, find out what she'd be given off ($5 isn't much, true, but its better than nothing), and decides she doesn't want it. Then she drives all the way in to offer $15 less than what we were asking, then gets mad at us for not taking it. I'm sure driving back and forth was easily $5 in gas money. Plus she didn't get it.

Some people. Work begins anew tomorrow. We shall see what happens then. Oh, ho ho!

fin.

2008-06-27T02:52:00.001-05:00

If you've frequented the site a few times in the past few months, you'd probably notice not much has been posted. While some may cheer that, I for one, don't. I've been extremely busy with school, work, and *gasp!* a social life. So much so, that my usual hobbies like gaming and blogging have taken a back seat.

A lot has happened in the past few months: school has gone by like you wouldn't believe, and my job has gone from slightly annoying and stupid to aggravating. Since I'm one of the highest paid Assistant Managers in our district (at a paltry $8.80 mind you), corporate has been looking for a way to give me the axe for quite some time. They figured they can take their chances with someone who'll work more for less money. Exchange loyalty for labor. It really doesn't bother me though. I've known my company doesn't have my best interests in mind, and I've known this for quite some time now. I'm nothing but an employee number and a name to them, if even that. I simply do what I'm told, and that's all.

This was fine by me, but that was some 5 years ago when I was still in high school. I'm older now, and have more needs than I could have ever thought imaginable at the time I signed my name (and some would say my soul) on the Family Dollar dotted line. After much consideration and thought, I've come to the conclusion that Family Dollar is no longer meeting my needs as a human. It's time to move on.

And move on I have. As I write this post, I have T-minus 18 hours until my Family Dollar career is over. What lead to this you may ask? It's a long winded story that, since you've hopefully kept up with my stories over the years, you'll do so one last time:

Rewinding to a few days after the rock-meets-window incident, the landlord puts a new pane of glass into our door, and all is well for a while. We had a great inventory the week or so before. Nothing could be better, really. That is until our new friend Houdini decides to target our store.

Houdini is a six-foot-something-or-another black man who has a penchant for stealing our prepaid cell phones. The first time he came in he took about 3 of the expensive $50 models by cutting the plastic casing off of the secure holders the phones rest on. Despite 3 people being around the phones at the time, the man still managed to slip away, although he cut his finger in the process. In a ballsy move, the guy actually came up to me and asked for a band-aid for his cut. Not thinking (or finding the empty phone cases and box cutter until later), I obliged, with him saying he had broke a vase near the back and that's what cut him. As I went to the bathroom, he decided to try to leave. My cashier stopped him at the door and told him to come back inside because he had triggered the magnetic alarm. He refused, and got away as she grabbed the phone to call the cops. A half hour later, the police show up. A wee bit late, sure, but we had the guy on our camera. They were going to take his photo and see what they could do. That is, if we could figure out how to get the photo and video off the computer.

That weekend, he decided to strike back. My boss was in at the time, and he pulled the same shenanigans and got away again. My boss, determined to get this bastard, got in her van and decided to follow him. In the process, she almost ran a truck off the road and got pulled over by the police. Houdini escapes again. Long story short, we keep the phones in the office now. Of course, all of these phones coming up stolen has corporate in a tizzy, so the DM sends his ever-watchful helper over to examine the video to see what she could gather. What my boss later recalled to me was hysterical at best, and down right rotten and borderline slander at worst.

According to helper lady, she watched a good chunk of video and I stood at the register "for 29 out of 30 minutes". This is coming from the lady who rode my boss' ass a while back because I was a cashier for the day. According to her, "I'm not paid to be a cashier, I'm paid to manage". Also, while "not doing anything" for 29 minutes, I was on my phone the whole time. Now, I may look pretty ridiculous, some would say stupid even, but I wasn't born yesterday. If I'm gonna stand around and do a whole lot of nothing, I'm not going to do it on camera. I'm going to go somewhere not on camera, so that way it looks like I'm being productive. It's not rocket science.

Calling bull, I laugh it off, until my boss continues: in a nutshell, either I get fired/quit my job, or I stay, and my boss gets canned. Now, I'm an ass, but there's no way I'd be able to sleep at night with my boss not having a job and struggling to support her and her 3 or so kids (and her disabled mother), all because of something I "did" (or "didn't do". Whatever). Besides, no way in hell would I want to become manager of a store. The thought alone makes me want to invest in a lifetime supply of razor blades, Fall Out Boy albums and anti-depressant pills.

Fast forward a month or so. I have a job lined up now with a local furniture store, where I'll be working an extra 10 or so hours, almost be making double what I do now, and doing what I do best: talk to people. My favorite part of my job is interacting with the customers. Catching up with them. Seeing what's going on in their life, and helping them find what they came in for (and then some). I had some good times with the Dollar, to be sure, and I gleaned a ton of experience and knowledge from them but, as I said earlier, I need to move on. It's another chapter of my life that I need to close. I'm 21 now, and with that comes a whole new set of responsibilities. I have my friends and family as my ground underneath me, and (I can't believe I'm about to say this) the sky as my limit (mmm...cheese). I'm ready for anything.

In my short tenure at FD, I've seen managers, co-workers, and District Managers come and go. Rules change. Technology has changed. The game, however, remains the same: greet the customer, help the customer, thank the customer. However I can't shake the feeling like I just don't belong. I feel like a relic, a hold over from a time when Family Dollar seemed like it was more about what its name implies: family. It's time for some other Joe Schmo to start out as a lowly cashier, and work his way to the top of the store pile, only to get burned by the place he tried so hard to please.

Some of you are probably wondering what will become of this place now that the work stories, my "bread and butter" of the site, if you will, is over with. Will I shut Edquarters down? Will ever post again? Fear not, loyal droogies. With the way my schedule is, I'll be having 4 days out of the week completely off, giving me time to focus more on hobbies, housework, and school. Oh, and the way every single thing in the whole world pisses me off.

Besides, something tells me that selling furniture isn't all wine and roses.

Stay tuned...

...and the Bottom Drops Out.

2008-04-25T12:17:00.006-05:00

As I sat my fat arse down for the night last night and prepared to bust some poor bastard's skull in some sweet, sweet Halo 3 action, my phone started playing its familiar happy tune of Raining Blood. Figuring it'd be one of my compadres in Halo, I snatched the phone, only to see my District Manager's name pop up.

I answered the phone and he tells me we need someone with a key at the store because someone broke a window. Hoping something exciting happened, I grabbed my keys and headed to my store.

When I arrived at the store at 1 in the morning there were 3 squad cars and a few cops standing by a gaping hole where the glass in the front door once existed.
According to the cops, a known homeless vagabond-type was walking down the street in front of our store when he decided he wanted something to eat, so he picked up a humongous rock and chucked it through our door. As he did this and stuck his head in, an officer of the law was driving down the street in front of the store and was throwing his car into park as the call went off on the radio. The guy saw the car roll up and tried walking off like the door just magically dissolved. Cop gets out, man picks up the pace. Cop tackles man.

So I waited for an hour after the cops left for the window guys to come up and board the door up until we could get a new pane of glass. As I waited outside and enjoyed the nice night air, a familiar song came on the radio:

In my shoes
My toes are busted
My kitchen says
My bread is molded
Got a good job
At the dollar store
One foot in the hole
One foot gettin' deeper
With a broken mirror
And a blown out speaker
I ain't got much else to lose
I'm faded flat busted
Been jaded I been dusted
I know that I've seen better days ...

Never got to find out who it was that tried breaking in. I'm curious if I've seen him before; if he's a frequent shopper of our store or some random joe-blow.

Vikings Redux

2008-04-01T14:48:00.009-05:00

A few years back when Edquarters was in its infancy, I had a slight problem with Verizon Wireless trying to rape me in the butt with fees and such. While the problem was resolved (eventually) in a somewhat civilized manner, all of that, all of that pales in comparison to the newest king of the viking bastards: Autotire.

May or may not be historically accurate.

Autotire is a car repair and tire service chain (as if you couldn't guess) that my family has frequented for many years, and for the most part they haven't let us down, until the past year or so. I took my truck in to get some various work done on the vehicle in 06/07 or so and figured the pricing to be in the $300 range. That's fine by me. I was expecting it and willing to pay for it.

So imagine my shock when I receive a phone call telling me my truck is ready to be picked up:
"Already? I don't even know what's wrong with it."
"Well, we told you that X, Y, and Z was wrong about an hour and a half ago."
"No, no you didn't. I've been at school since 10 and my dad's been at work. There's nobody home."
"Oh, well the total bill comes to $850."

$260 or so for parts. The rest was labor and useless crap I didn't sign up for.

I flipped. I cursed. I spewed vile hatred and voodoo hexes at them. I vowed never to return. Well, it turned out that my dad had been home at some point and ok'd the work to be done. I didn't have that kind of money, so we worked out a plan so that I'd pay the $300 I thought I was going to pay, and he'd pay the rest for his lapse of judgment.

Flash forward to the present day, where I'm planning to go on a weekend trip to Wisconsin (blog post coming whenever that happens). During some heavy rain we recently had, my driver's side wiper blade quit working properly. It'd only work if it was over halfway up, and if it went down to the neutral position, it'd freeze up and quit working.
The truck also pulled a bit to the left. That and the Anti-lock/Emergency Brake light have been on constantly for the past 2 months or so. Figuring these things as signs that I needed a tune up (which was the problem last time the light thing happened), I decided I needed to take the truck in before my journey.

So I wake up, get dressed and, for reasons unknown, run down to Autotire. Why I chose them instead of the place I went last time is beyond me. I think it was because I hadn't had my coffee yet.

Anyways, I head down there, go in and talk to the guy at the front desk, telling him I need
1) Wiper fixed
2) Tune-up
3) Tire rotation (possible alignment)

Not hard right? He confirmed the list, I gave him the key, and told him to call me on my cell phone whenever they get an estimated time that I can get my truck back.

I get home from school 3 hours later, and find out that Autotire called the house, with an estimated time and price: I wouldn't be getting my truck back until tomorrow, and it was gonna cost $1200.

I flipped. I cursed. I spewed vile hatred and voodoo hexes at them. I called them up to ask what the bloody hell was going on:
"Well, your brakes in the front are about shot, that's why it pulls to the left, that'll cost $58 plus another $120 in labor, you need new brake hoses, that's another $35, plus you've got a brake sensor that needs cleaned, we'll do that for free, but there's a $95 diagnostic test we have to run..."

I about blacked out in anger. I didn't hear what else he said to me.

"...and you're looking at $1200 or so."
"I asked you...to fix my wiper blade, rotate my tires, and give me a tune up. You confirmed this with me. Where the hell did all of this come from?"
"Well, this is preventive work to make sure you don't have to come in and replace anything serious and spend thousands of dollars."
"The trucks only worth $5000. If 'anything serious' goes wrong, I'll get a new Goddamn vehicle. Besides, I can't afford $1200."
"Well, we DO have an Autotire credit card we can sign you up for. It's only for your car and you won't pay any interest for a whole year. That's more than enough time to pay it off. So should we go ahead and sign you up for the card and do the work, or you what?"
"Let me talk it over with my dad. I'll get back to you..."

I hit things. I yelled. I about cried. I don't have any money, so they want to sign me up for a freaking credit card? How could I be so dumb, I thought. Thankfully, they didn't start the work like they did last time.

I'm on my way now to get my truck back and run it down to the place I was originally going to take it. But I'm definitely not going to go in and get my key from Autotire. I'll probably end up murdering someone.

Waz in ze Heil?

2008-03-23T16:08:00.000-05:00

So I've recently been combating a strange bug in my interweb browser Firefox: for whatever reason, most pages I load up are loading up in German, even if I type in the English/American ".com" ender as opposed to ".de" for the German site. I dunno how this happens, or how to fix it. Any people more learned than myself in the tech department are welcome to give me ideas on to what the hell's going on.

Harvey Dent Tour: St. Louis

2008-03-22T15:59:00.015-05:00

The Dark Knight viral marketing machine is in full force, with the Harvey Dent Political Action Committee stopping by our wonderful city of St. Louis.

The group of people had been stopping in various cities across America getting people to sign up to get Harvey Dent (who eventually turns into the villain Two-Face, for the uninformed) to run for Gotham City's District Attorney. Originally the Dent Team was going to set up shop outside one of the local colleges in the area, but for one reason or another, changed the date and location at the 11th hour. This was a godsend, because I worked a morning shift for once and got off of work before the meeting. Curious as to see what was going on (and get my hands on some free schwag that I heard would be present) I figured I'd stop by and see what was going on.

Me and my cohort Jon trudged down to the location and saw the white van set up across the street. There were about 6 people helping out, with or 3 really running the show. I don't really know if the guys out by the van with the signs were just there or were part of the crew. I walked up to the table, signed a petition to get Harvey to run for Gotham DA and got a bundle of schwag. "Are you gonna stand by and help us out or are you gonna take off?" the lady at the table said.

Why not, I thought. So I stood around for a few minutes and waved at cars. I didn't stick around too long because it was farking cold outside, which is another reason why I think the whole thing went over as well as a lead balloon. A few people came up to see what was going on, and fewer actually got it.

But hey, I got some cool stuff: a couple buttons and stickers, a shirt, a bumper sticker and a sign. Picture graciously stolen from IWatchStuff.com:

My Interpretation Of the Democratic Presidential Race...

2008-02-29T13:04:00.018-06:00

...as explained through some of the greatest dialogue ever conceived in a video game.

...and if you've played the game, you know how this ends...

A Note to Ellen Page

2008-02-25T21:00:00.006-06:00

Quit playing games with my heart.

Dear Ellen,

You really don't know me that well, but I've had my eye on you for a while. I remember first seeing you on movie promotional posters for X-Men 3, and realized that I had never seen you before, but you seemed familiar. So being a little boy with a crush, I decided to search the interwebs to find out more about you. Turns out you were the girl in Hard Candy, a movie that I really wanted to see when it came out in theaters. No wonder I didn't recognize you: in Hard Candy you had a boyish hair cut, and as Kittie Pryde you had longer hair.

So I watched X-3, and, while extremely disappointed, thought you did a great job. I mean, you made the Juggernaut say his infamous line, after all. Then I saw Hard Candy and thought you were brilliant. So methodical, so conniving. You really brought the character of Hayley to life. Sure, your hair left a little to be desired, but I can look past that; I felt like I really got to know you as a character actor.

Then Juno comes out, and I see you once again with the long hair and the now-infamous striped shirt. Everyone and their brother praises this movie to hell, but like Hard Candy, I haven't got around to seeing it, and probably won't until it comes to DVD, and for that I'm sorry (by the way - congrats on the Academy Award nod!). Then I find out you're in another film, the independently produced Mouth to Mouth, where you once again don the boy cut.

Then I hear these rumors about you being lesbian. At first I didn't want to believe it, but with your interesting casting choices of "girl who looks like boy" and "girl who psychologically tortures man", it started to make sense. Are you really? I mean, if you don't wanna answer, I can understand. You've probably got a good reason for doing what you do, and I respect that. It's just that...after all this time I've invested (I mean, X-3 three times and Hard Candy twice is mooore than enough) I think I deserve the truth. No more cutesy photoshoots like the one posted above, then the crazy bald Sinead O'Connor look. My heart can't take it much more.

I await your honest reply.

Always,
Ed

(PS - You've still got my other CD booklet. I'd like it back. Whenever you're done with it, of course.)

Gears of War 2 announced, in other news the sky is blue, and oh yeah, I just sh*t myself.

2008-02-20T15:27:00.005-06:00

I have a love-hate relationship with Gears of War. On one hand, it helped revolutionize the cover-and-fire mechanic that many games didn't exactly quite get right. The cooperative campaign was a ton of fun, and provided a stiff challenge on the harder difficulties, with challenging AI. Multiplayer is challenging and fun when you get friends together to blow subterranean monsters into meat confetti.

On the other hand, like I've told PowerBomb Yo over and over again, this game can be downright retarded. Seriously, Gears of War is less consistent than my turds. I can active reload (a special reload that makes your firepower stronger for a limited time) a guy in the face twice but he lives, pistol-whips me and I fall to the ground, where I promptly get my head stomped in. Not exactly realistic, but you can adjust to it in most cases.

Cliffy B and the team over at Epic have a large task in front of them: making a storyline that people actually care about (although that might not happen...GoW 1 and Halo, anyone?), tweaking the covering mechanics to get them jussssst right (IE, I want to jump out of the way of a rocket, not hug the wall said rocket is about to slam into), and, oh yeah, making all the violence and gore all the more fun to bathe in (probably not a big issue).

Consider one copy sold.

Thugalicious

2008-02-11T14:55:00.000-06:00

Seeing how I've been sick all freaking weekend, I've decided to catch up on some stuff, namely cleaning house, getting some banking stuff done, and updating this blog. I figured I'd share a story that happened to me a few days before my immune system betrayed me and left me for dead.

I was up front counting down one of my cashiers when two white thugged-out teenage kids walked in. As they entered the store, the anti-theft device went off, as it had randomly been doing throughout the day. They immediately froze and looked up with the all too familiar "deer-in-headlights" look, but I explained to them that the machine was freaking out all day and they could come on in.

"Yeah, you bessnot be thinkin we stole stuff, we just got inzis bitch."

My pissed-o-meter immediately went from "Complacent" to "The Effing Writer's Strike Postponed 24?!?". I mean, it's one thing if a machine is on the fritz and I explain this to them, it's completely different if I punched them in the groin and yelled "That's for stealing our gummi worms!" before beating them to death with a snow shovel. Their wannabe thug attitude immediately soured what had so far been a decent day.

Anyways, after their little outburst, I decided to keep an eye on them until they left the store. Nothing out of the norm, they bought some gum or something and went on their way. That is, until I went out back to throw trash away. As I was hauling boxes to my truck, I heard what sounded like a shopping cart being pushed really fast. Sure enough, I stick my head around the corner to find gangsta-lite #1 inside of the cart, and gangsta-lite #2 was pushing said cart down the side street adjacent to our store's parking lot.
"Hey! You guys mind bringing that cart back up here?"
Gangstaness #2 slowed the cart down and turned around to see who was yelling at him. After a heated slang discussion, the one pushing the cart decided to bring it back to me. As he approached, he pushed the cart to me as hard as he could, despite being mere feet away from me.

"Mahn, I didn't wantyo broke-ass cart anyway."
"Thanks."
"Whatchu say?"
"I said thanks."
"Chea, dat's what I thought. You best had said thank you."

Kids, please stay in school. If you don't you may be forced to bag groceries or flip burgers the rest of your life. Or you could wind up like these jokers: tripping over your pant legs, and possibly one day, dead.

The Dawning of a New Era (?)

2008-01-28T01:10:00.000-06:00

The future? Yes, please...

Some of my frequent visitors have inquired as to why I haven't updated in a dog's age. Normally I'd tell them I'm fighting crime, stopping terrorism, and helping pregnant mothers deliver cute kittens but those would be lies.

Instead, I've been getting my life on track, and dare I say, I've found a future that DOESN'T involve the discount department store I've grown to lovingly hate.

This past week I was accepted to the Broadcast Center, a vocational school here in St. Louis that trains people in the field of radio and TV broadcasting (or both, depending on how much cash you want to shell out). Despite having an immense passion for writing (evident by the fact this place is still running), I've always flirted with the idea of being on the airwaves (RIP Edquarters Audio, we barely knew ye).

This does, however, beg the question "Will Edquarters Audio rise again?".

I sure hope so.

Don't worry, I'll be back to my blog posting self in a little while. Until then, feel free to check out some other posts. There's tons of blog posts with no comments on them, and I'm sure there's some in my vault SOMEWHERE that will keep you entertained...

2007 Awards

2008-01-21T14:53:00.000-06:00

You love it. I love it. Without further adieu, the Best of (and Worst of) 2007 Awards!

Top 5: Albums of 2007

5 - Queens of the Stone Age - Era VulgarisLove 'em, or hate 'em, one thing everyone agrees on is that Queens of the Stone Age are weird. Their off-the-wall approach to making music has made them the critic's darling over the years, and with Era Vulgaris, they continue the down the same audio path their last album Lullaby's to Paralyze started: muddy, thick, heavy rock and roll music. Is it their best album? No, but it's definitely worth a listen.
Standout Tracks: 3's and 7's, Sick, Sick, Sick, Make It Wit Chu

4 - Rush - Snakes and ArrowsThe prog-rock gods return for their 18th (and some people say last) album Snakes and Arrows.
While not the best Rush release, its still a solid album with a ton of great tracks full of Neil Peart's insightful lyrics about life and death (it's been almost ten years since both his daughter and wife died). Peart is as good as ever on the kit, Geddy Lee still plays the bass so ridiculously fast a radar gun would short out, and Alex Lifeson is still wailing away at the guitar. I had the opportunity to see these guys in concert at the end of the summer, and it was, hands down, the best concert I've ever been to. If it's to be their last album, what a way to go out.
Standout Tracks: Far Cry, Armor and Sword, The Main Monkey Business, The Larger Bowl, The Way the Wind Blows.

3 - That 1 Guy - The Moon is DisgustingYou've never heard of him. But you should. That 1 Guy is a musical prodigy, jazz bassist, and one-man-band that has created his own musical instrument out of metal piping, bass strings, a snare drum, bass pedal, and a sound board of epic proportions. While this doesn't sound like a whole lot (or even that interesting), I tell you that when you see him working this Dr. Seuss abomination, you'll completely understand. Look him up on YouTube if you need, but it doesn't do him any justice. The Moon is Disgusting is his second album (Songs in the Key of Biotch being the first), and is more accessible (although you'll never see this man on MTV). If you're a fan of the quirky and fat beats, seek this one out. You won't regret it.
Standout Tracks: The Moon is Disgusting, Mash, Buttmachine, Bananas.

2 - Megadeth - United Abominations
Like Rush, to still be around in the music business after over 20 years is no small feat. However, you can reinvent yourself, as Rush has over their career, and still be a viable force. Heavy metal band Megadeth, however, has not only persevered, but has remained consistently heavy and politically relevant throughout their career (yes, I liked Risk, so sue me). With their 2007 release United Abominations, Megadeth stays as politically charged as ever, tackling the United Nations' many scandals, the destruction of Washington DC due to corruption and political correctness, and the apocalypse. An amazing, amazing album that any fan of hard rock should grab ASAP.
Standout Tracks: Sleepwalker, Washington Is Next!, United Abominations, Never Walk Alone...A Call to Arms, Gears of War, A Tout le Monde (Set Me Free)

1 - Dethklok - The DethalbumIt's a bit of a statement to say that the best album of the year is made by people that don't actually exist, but such is the case with The Dethalbum. Brendon Small, the creator of the Cartoon Network/adult swim show Metalocalypse has crafted a death metal album that is heavy, yet easy to swallow, and easily the most accessible. While most death metal dwells on dark and dreary stuff, Small knows that, yes metal fans, it's almost silly to be singing about raping dead corpses and being a zombie eating flesh. That's part of his winning formula: take a music genre that takes itself far too seriously and mock it to hell and back, but keep the music, the part that really matters, awesome. The songs, ranging from a metal birthday wish ("We got you the most brutal, most metal gift of all...NOTHING!"), to Vikings searching for a war, to a song about doing a charity concert for a tax write-off, are heavy and hilarious extended versions of the snippets played on the 15-minute shows, with former Death drummer Gene Hoglan taking the drumming duties and creator Small doing the vocals, bass, and guitar. He truly has created the Spinal Tap of our generation.
If you're a fan of the show, chances are you already own this. If you don't, and you like heavy music, grab it.

Standout Tracks: Thunderhorse, Murmaider, The Lost Vikings, Hatredcopter, Blood Ocean, Awaken, Go Into the Water, Go Forth and Die.

Top 5: Movies of 2007

I didn't get out to the movies much, but it really doesn't matter, as most movies these days suck anyways. But some of them I saw were really good. To qualify for this, it either had to come out on DVD this year, or be released in theaters.

5 - SunshineWhat would happen if our sun stopped shining? Well, besides global warming, we'd more than likely go into another ice age. Sunshine is about a space mission to fly a humongous megaton particle-type bomb into the sun to essentially blow it up, creating a brighter star in its place. While the science is questionable, and the last third of the movie is (I'm desperately trying not to ruin anything here) somewhat hokey, Sunshine is still a good movie, with top-notch acting and awesome visuals.

4 - I Am LegendMy name is Robert Neville. I am a survivor living in New York City. I am broadcasting on all AM frequencies. I will be at the South Street Seaport everyday at mid-day, when the sun is highest in the sky. If you are out there... if anyone is out there... I can provide food, I can provide shelter, I can provide security. If there's anybody out there... anybody... please. You are not alone.

These are the words repeated by Will Smith in the updated big-screen adaptation of Richard Matheson's seminal vampire novel. While the original book took place in 1976 (and was written in 1954), the 2007 blockbuster has the virus attack happening in the present day.
In the book, Robert Neville is the last man on earth, and as he scavenges for food he's also got it set in his mind that he's gonna take as many undead-type people with him as he can before he inevitably dies of either old age or by the bloodsuckers.
In the movie, Neville is a scientist trying to cure the genetic abnormality that has turned the humans into undead-type people, and doesn't really have to kill the undead-type people unless he's forced to. Sure, it had to be updated from its original plot to fit into our modern world, but he's still not as hardcore killer as I'd like him to be. But it's ok; Compared to other book-to-movie translations this one is quite alright in my book.

The only thing holding I Am Legend back from legendary movie status is a somewhat bland and hurried ending (which is completely different (and lamer...yes I just put parenthesis inside parenthesis...so sue me.) than the book) and some questionable CGI work on the vampire folks. Still, this doesn't deter from a great and suspenseful movie that just so happens to contain Will Smith's best acting performance to date. Here's to hoping of an alternate ending on the DVD.

3 - 3:10 to YumaWhat do you get when you put Christian Bale and Russell Crowe in the same movie? You get an awesome film like 3:10, a story about an outlaw (Crowe) and a ranch man on the brink of disaster (Bale) who will do anything to get the outlaw to the 3:10 train to Yuma prison.
The acting in this movie is superb, which is expected with Crowe and Bale as the leads. The only qualm I had with the movie was that it seemed like half the time it didn't know what it wanted to be: it was a shoot-em-up western, a chase movie, and a story about redemption all rolled into one. It's a bit slow, being a western and all, but that's no excuse not to see this movie. If you miss this for those reasons, you're only hurting yourself.

2 - Sweeney ToddWho better to direct a film adaptation of a black comedy/musical (yes, you read that right) about a vengeful and murderous barber (yes, you read that right too) than Tim Burton? Despite being a musical, this song never misses a single note (see what I did there?): It's never boring, or uninteresting, or predictable. From the beginning song to the final scene, everything is wonderfully captured and presented, with fantastic sets, awesome props, and more blood than you can shake a bag of quik-clot at (be warned, despite being a musical, this is a fairly bloody movie with some slightly disturbing happenings. Definitely not for kids). Johnny Depp is awesome (as always) as the titular character and Alan Rickman does an awesome job as the bad guy (what else would he be?). Overall, Todd is a great movie that I'll be honored to add to my DVD collection when it comes out, despite having seen it twice.

Oh, and I dare you to see this and not get at least one song stuck in your head.

1 - Pan's LabyrinthSure, it was released in December '06, but so what? My blog, my rules.
It's a heartbreaking story about a little girl named Ofelia who, with her mother, moves into her adoptive (and abusive) father's house. He, a Spanish military officer, is trying to clear their area of the country of rebels and has no time for either of them. In her loneliness, she creates a fantasy world full of fairies and monsters, and eventually the line between the real world and her world begins to blur.
To say Pan's Labyrinth is bizarre is an understatement, but that's not a bad thing. There are some fantastic creations in this movie, such as the faun and the crazy hand-eye monster, that captivate your imagination and look like they're really on the set (the CGI ones, anyways. The real ones look pretty real too). The acting is great (although be warned: it's in Spanish. If you have a hard time seeing/reading and don't understand Spanish, you're hosed. Although I'm pretty sure there's an English option on the DVD).

I can't think of anything wrong with this movie, and I can't think of any reason that you shouldn't own this. It's out now, so go buy it. Go ahead, this blog will be here when you get back.

Bottom 5: Worst Songs of 2007

I was going to link to these songs, but I realized that I don't want to induce ear bleeding on my dedicated (read as: 3) readers. So if you really want to hear these songs (why?), YouTube them or something.

5 - "Gimme More" by Britney Spears
What do you get when someone values their clinically (and critically) dead career over being a decent parent? You get Britney's new album. You know you're in for a treat when the first single from the album starts out with "It's Britney, bitch."
A very interesting fact about this song, while the lyrics describe Britney dirty dancing with a guy and asking him to "gimme more", the song is actually a love song about her and her Cheetos.

4 - "Hey There Delilah" by Plain White Ts
What was a sappy love song the first time I heard it has quickly deteriorated to a grating, psudo-stalker song. When you hear the song on 3/4s of the radio stations play it, you know you've got an awful song. One good thing that came out of this, though, is the Jack Thompson version sarcasticgamer.com came up with.

3 - "Beautiful Girls" by Sean Kingston
Taking a page from Puffy's playbook of stealing songs, here comes Sean Kingston, a Jamaican singer who steals the main hook from "Stand By Me" (which is an amazing song, and the thievery of that song deserves the death penalty in and of itself) and writes about how some girl makes him "suicidal" when she says their relationship's over. Sadly, he never took his feelings into deeper consideration, and went on tour with another douche, Gwen Stefani.

2 - "This Is Why I'm Hot" by MIMS
The top 3 of this list all have something in common, besides being some of the most retarded "music" ever created. They're also the most repetitive.
Take "This is Why I'm Hot" for example. MIMS uses the title of the song an astounding 43 times within the 4 or so minutes. 43! Ok, we understand, MIMS, you're hot. Get a damn ice pack or something.

1 - TIE - "Crank That" by Soulja Boy
This is what you call a "Ringtone Rapper", meaning he has one big hit that every idiot wants for their ringtone. If you've never heard this song, then consider yourself lucky, because its one of the most annoying songs of all time. From the constant shouts of "Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!" to the repetitive lyrics, Soulja Boy has turned the hip-hop world on its head, and turned the word Superman into something very...interesting. Look it up, if you want. I'd advise you not to.

"Ay Bay Bay" by Hurricane Chris
72 times. The phrase "Ay Bay Bay", a shout out to Chris' favorite DJ, is said in the song 72 times. Another thing I read was Hurricane Chris is from New Orleans, making him the second worst hurricane associated with The Big Easy. I really don't have anything else to say about this that hasn't been said, other than that if I hear either of these two songs again, I may be forced to hang myself.

2007 Douchebag of the Year

Many will enter, but one will be crowned King (or Queen) of the douches. Who will it be?

#5 - Barry BondsWhat happens when you are accused of something that can put a damper on your career and every highlight its had? Do you go out, take questions, and set the record straight? If the accusations are true, do you admit your wrongdoings, and bow out gracefully, with dignity and pride?
If you're Barry, the correct answer is no, you take your young son to press conferences and use him as a shield to deflect any questions that may call your question into character (I know that last part's backwards, but I thought it was so funny I left it).

Bonds is, without question, a douche. But he's one of the worst kinds: a douche that pretends that he isn't one.
Example, the guy who snatched his home run record-breaking ball sells it to Mark Ecko, of Ecko clothing brand fame. Ecko decides to have a bit of fun with the ball and posts a poll on his website, asking what should be done with the ball. Well, the public voted that the ball be sent to Cooperstown and the Baseball Hall of Fame, but that it be branded with an asterisk, the mark in baseball which denotes possible controversy with whatever stat its associated with. What does Barry do?

"Wah wah wah, people are picking on me, moan moan moan."

Cram it, meathead. Fifteen years ago you were the size of my pinky, and now you make two of me. And that's just your arm I'm talking about. Telling us you didn't use steroids is like me trying to say I'm not an ass.

#4 - Drew PetersonIn what sounds like some on-the-fly Hollywood plot, the saga of Drew Peterson is constantly developing.
During his tenure as a police officer in a Chicago suburb, Drew had 4 separate wives, one of whom, the third one, died under mysterious circumstances in her bathtub. Now his 4th wife has gone missing, with her family fearing the worst. Drew claims that she was going to leave him, and wasn't going to bother looking for her, since she obviously wanted nothing to do with him or her kids.
A few weeks after the missing person story broke, Dr. Michael Baden, renowned forensic pathologist, did a second autopsy on the 3rd wife, only to find out that she was beat to within an inch of her life before being placed in the tub she drowned in. All eyes, naturally, turn to Drew, who was the one who found her in the tub. Why wasn't this revealed until years later, when her body was exhumed and a second autopsy was done? Rumors were flying that the murder was covered up by people within the police department who were Drew's friends.
For someone who's wife is presumed dead and is the main suspect in his 3rd wife's death, the arrogant bastard sure is enjoying the media frenzy around him, saying things like "With all of this negative coverage, I'm going to have a hard time finding a date". If you're being suspected of murder, one would think that there'd be a few more things on one's mind than hooking up with some chicks.
Besides, if you'd actually date this waste of humanity, you're probably just as big of a douche as him.

#3 - Robert Hawkins
Does the name ring a bell? Probably not. How about this: This guy is the douchenozzle that shot up the Omaha mall a week or so ago, killing 8 people before shooting himself. No one knows why he did it, but according to some friends that were in the same psychiatric therapy group he was in (first hint, right there), he shot up people in the Von Maur department store because he saw the people that shop there and thought of them as aristocratic with a "holier-than-thou" attitude, and figured that since they had more money than him, they deserved to die. Others said he was depressed because he was fired from McDonalds earlier that day for stealing $17. His suicide note also said that he wanted to "be famous". If that's not douchebaggery at its worst, I don't know what is.

Wait...yeah I do. It's the next two people on the list.

#2 - Chris BenoitOne of my heroes since I was a youngin' broke my heart this year by reminding me that everyone, no matter how well you think you know them, has a dark side.
Professional wrestler Chris Benoit, his wife Nancy, and their 7 year-old-son Daniel were found dead in their Georgia house June 25th. Immediately, the WWE held a tribute show dedicated to Benoit, but the next night distanced itself from him when the details of what happened came out. It turns out that Benoit had killed his wife and kid by strangulation before hanging himself with a cord from one of his weight benches. Next to each body he placed a Bible, and texted friends and coworkers from his cell phone with instructions on how to get to the house and get inside.
After multiple investigations it turns out Benoit may have killed them in a fit of steroid-induced rage, and that the WWE probably knew he was on these steroids. Tests on his brain also indicate that his brain was so severely damaged that it "resembled that of an 85-year-old Alzheimer's' patient", and it was similar to those of retired NFL players who have suffered multiple concussions, sank into depression and harmed themselves or others. Dementia is also a product of these brain conditions, and may have also caused Benoit to snap.

Sad, sad story.

#1 - Seung-Hui ChoSpeaking of sad stories, here's one for the history books. So far, Cho is un-contested for the title of Douche of the Century after his killing spree at Virginia Tech early this year.
Cho, a South Korean citizen with a permanent US residency status, was a senior at VT who was diagnosed with depression, possible autism and selective mutism (a social anxiety disorder) at a young age. After stopping his therapy, Cho's problems continues to compound: his silence caused many people at school to ridicule him, making him become even more introverted. Cho was kicked out of his creative writing class at VT due to female students complaining that he was taking photos of their legs and crotches with his cell phone and his constant distraction from the class, and in a later conversation with another faculty member, lamented about him not having any friends. Gee, I wonder why...
On the morning of April 16th, Cho killed two students in a co-ed dorm, and not long after mailed a packet to NBC News containing photos, videos, and documents, containing mostly bizarro psychopath stuff like "he was forced to do this", "his soul was raped, his conscience was tortured", and that he was "crucified like Jesus Christ". Around 10 AM he went to Norris Hall and killed some 30 other people, and wounded dozens of others before killing himself as the police closed in.
After the shootings, there was speculation as to why Cho would do this. Some said it was video games that pushed him over the edge. Others say it was the rejection he received from a woman he was interested in/stalked that made him kill. Whatever it was, it was a tragedy of epic proportions that could have possibly been prevented with tighter gun control laws and more involved help.
Another lesson from this is that and some of the other stories is we all need to be a bit nicer to people. You never know who's just shy and not good with people, or who's completely off their rocker.

Runners Up: Alec Baldwin, John Edwards, Al Gore, Spencer "Don't Tase Me Bro" Pratt, The Guy Who Came Up With the PC vs. Mac Commercials, Me.

Work Shorts

2008-01-14T11:39:00.002-06:00

If you haven't been here before, most of my posts on here involve idiots that come in and shop at my discount department store. Basically, I have a lot of work stories in which I deal with border-line retarded people in a semi-humorous fashion.
This post is no different.

Story 1
At the back of my store we have an aisle with clearance framed art, and signs blatantly stating "Clearance: 40% off framed art", along with a pricing list telling you what the new prices will be after the price reduction.

Enter: about every brain-dead resident in the greater St. Louis area.

All day Saturday, I had people coming up giving me candle holders, non-framed wall plaques, candles, toys, and frog-shaped shelf sitters, telling me "I thought this was 40% off. The sign back there said so" or "Well this was in the basket, so I should get it for the discount price".
Do people's brains really shut off after reading the word "clearance"? To answer this question, I decided to do a scientific experiment, paid for in full by the lovely folks at the Jack Bauer 2008 election committee. Here are my totally scientific findings:

Alright then, I guess they really are that dumb.

Story 2
A little old lady came into our store looking to buy wrapping paper. Christmas wrapping paper. Which we had already counted (some 300 rolls) and stored the back, awaiting the dreaded day known as "inventory".
So lady comes up to my cashier and asks if she can buy some of our clearance wrap. The cashier, who is sometimes oblivious to things in the store, comes and asks me where the wrap went.

"Oh, we counted it and put it back in the stock room until next year."
"...but I want to buy some..."
"...And I'd love to sell you some. I can't, however. There's at least 10 different SKUs back there and I don't really want to go back through, pull all of them out, and then have to re-count them after you've bought some wrap."
"Well, it's not my fault that you don't want to count."
"And it's also not my fault that you didn't get here a week sooner when we still had it out on the sales floor."

So the lady gets mad and continues her shopping. Eventually she comes to the checkout line and throws 8 rolls of birthday wrap on the counter. They, of course, ring up the full retail price of $1.
"But I thought Christmas wrap was 75% off!"
"It is. The problem is that this isn't Christmas wrap, it's birthday wrap."
"But there's pictures of presents on them!"
"Yes. Here in the U-S-and-A and most of the world, we tend to give presents to people on their birthday. That's what this wrap is for, actually."
"Well, I found this in the Christmas section."
"You found 8 rolls of birthday wrap in a Christmas section that no longer exists, and has in fact been replaced with clearance framed art?"

Needless to say, she left, sans wrap.

Story 3
Man comes in. Make grabs can of Spam. Man sticks can of Spam into pocket. Man doesn't notice me 3 feet to his right. I ask him to remove can of slimy meat. He does so. Man is told to leave before cops are called. Man complies.

It's Only an Hour Into The New Year, And I'm Already Contemplating Random Acts of Violence

2008-01-01T01:31:00.000-06:00

First off, Happy New Year to everyone. The best/worst of 2007 post is coming, I swear.

I spent my New Year slightly different than everyone else: I was shotgunning and chainsawing homies on Gears of War.
Ok that was lame as hell.

Anyways, some people may ask me why I didn't watch the ball drop in Times Square. Some people may not have asked, or even not wanted to know, but tough, I'ma tell you anyways, you turd. That's what you get for visiting my blog.
Besides the same thing year in, year out (counting, ball falls, sadly not crushing MTV studios), this year's celebration really pissed me off. This go-round, whoever puts on the Times Square New Year's party has decided to make a energy efficient disco ball that falls on the building. Ok, cool. Save power, save money.
No, it's to save the planet. Not money for the city, saving the planet.

By changing small bulbs on a giant illuminated ball.

This, of course, offsets the energy the millions upon millions of lights constantly running in Times Square burn, not to mention the tons of carbon output/whatever-the-hell-its-called the fireworks shot off tonight, not only in New York, but around the world.

You know where I'm going with this, so I'm not going to continue. Just don't feel bad if you get less-than-amazing gas mileage and some treehugger in their hatchback hybrid shoe box criticizes you for it. Even those with the best intentions end up royally screwing things up.

For Hank

2007-12-11T12:00:00.001-06:00

Nothing but a muse on life, if you don't like those, move along.

There's a guy that works at the small-town convenience store up the road from my corporate chain-owned discount department store named Hank. He's around 50 years old or so, and is a tad slow, but he has a good heart.
Almost everyday he'd come in and talk to me or my coworkers (he had the hugest crush on my boss) and give us food he got from the Jack in the Box down the road. He'd come in (especially recently, with Christmas around the corner) talking about his nieces and nephews, and what he was going to pick up for them. He certainly was a chatterbox, and was so excited to have recently got into a church down the road from his house. He's also a huge fan of WWE wrestling.

He's had some rough spots in his life, however. He had to have surgery on his hands some years ago which was botched, causing his hands to curl up and his left one (I think) to freeze into place, making handling small things like money a chore. As I said before, he's also a tad slow, making it a bit hard for people to deal with him at times.
Once he came in and tried to steal a CD player, was caught and banned from our store for a good 4 months or so. Not long after that he was arrested for stealing people's trash cans (he said he was using them to clean up the city...which he was). He was sent to a mental institute for a while and came back around about a month later. He was his normal self, and my boss allowed him to come back to the store.

4 nights ago he came into the store about 15 minutes before closing, talking about having to walk another 20 minutes to church, and about our toys, and his nieces and nephews. We talked a bit about his church and his Bible study he was doing, before he bought some candy and left to walk in the freezing drizzle to get to church.

Yesterday at work, I was informed by my boss that the assistant manager at the convenience store told her that over the weekend Hank died of a massive heart attack.

This really upset me. Sure, I didn't know Hank that well, and to tell the truth found him a bit of an annoyance when I was busy doing work, but hearing of someone as nice and as good-hearted as him die so suddenly was a shock. It reminded me that we could all go at any moment. It's a scary thing that we really don't think about until something like this happens. We just go about our merry lives not thinking that we could die at any moment.
Now I'm not advocating that we walk around life freaking out about death. It doesn't work, and to tell you the truth, you do that, you'd be better off dead.

I just wanted to post something for Hank. That's all. God bless you, buddy.

Update - UPDATED (redundant, I know)

2007-11-28T14:22:00.000-06:00

As some of you may have noticed, posts have been thinning out here in the past few weeks. I can explain.

Of course, there's work. There's also the real estate work I have to help my dad tend to (bad tenants, not paying rent, moving out in the dead of night, leaving a basement filled with turds and broken glass. You know, the usual...)

But fret not! For I am hard at work on the end of the year extravaganza we call the Edquarters "Top 5's of 2007".

This years' list is gonna be a doozy. I promise.

UPDATE - As of this past week, I am also helping run another blog.

Ed! What's it about? Political jargon? How to properly dispose of dead bodies?

Hell naw, sucka! It's about vidja games!

That's right, I'm associate poster at the brand new blog Gameshot, which was the brainchild of my friend Furious Styles (his real name is hidden to protect him from the various groups out to assassinate him for being too suave).
Who else is blogging there? My good friend Trevor. Hopefully he'll get around to posting when he sobers up.
But that's not all. Gameshot also marks PowerBomb Yo's triumphant return to the world of blogging. With the four of us combined, we form something greater than Captain Planet.
We form Gameshot.

I'll take care of you...

2007-11-28T14:20:00.001-06:00

So here I am at work, unloading food from the truck when I get thirsty. I mean, really thirsty. Remembering that I have a free one-liter winning cap inside my truck, I decide to take a drive to the gas station down the road from my store to claim my prize.

As I make my way to my truck, a crusty lady with a winter cap and curly brown hair approached me.

"Excuse me sir, but you aren't going home are you?"

Wanting to get away from her and her alcohol-and-fish breath, I tell her that I'm on my way around the building to throw trash away, and asked her what was up. She then told me the story of how her her best friend got into a fight (which would explain the black eye she had) and that she was stranded needed a ride home. I told her we had a phone she could use, but she declined, saying the only friend she had out here was the one she got into it with. She asked me again if I could give her a ride.
Annoyed by her persistence, I told her no, that I'm working can't leave the store (well, I'm not supposed to, but hey, free soda is free soda).

"Please? I'll take care of you....you know?"

Something tells me she didn't mean "get you a #3 at Jack in the Box".

Long story short she left, I got my soda, all is well.

Why her, and not a hot girl my age?

Such is life. Stupid life.