Who needs sleep? Not I. With all the wonderful beverages out there to keep me completely wired and in 'Vwernt Mode' (just say the word 'vwernt' fast and imagine a robot shooting ignorant shoppers with giant laser guns...it sounds sorta like that). This isn't your pappy's coffee, oh no. I could get two or three jobs on this stuff if I wished, constantly making money, 24/7, and never have time to spend it. Greed rules.
If you're like me and enjoy watching the sun rise from the East on a consistent, uninterrupted basis, consider these drinks your friend (in no particular order):


MONSTER: Big on energy, somewhat 'blah' on taste, but that should be expected with all energy drinks. The can warns you not to exceed three cans per day, that's how much probably-should-be-illegal stuff they pack into one can. There are two variations on this, Lo-Carb Monster and Monster: Assault, but I haven't had those, so bite me. More than three cans of this stuff would probably kill a man. Or at least a Guatemalan sweatshop kid. Hardcore. Tied for my favorite with Bawls. Highly recommended.







ROOSTER BOOSTER: A QuikTrip exclusive. Not high on the energy front, but it's the best tasting one I've had so far (sort of a berry). AND it's only a buck a can, compared to $2-2.50 ($9.99 Canadian) for Monster. Another winner in my books.






ROCKSTAR: Only for true Rockstars and/or groupies. Very tangy taste that kicks you in your face and stomps your eyeballs out while you're on the ground, pleading for mercy. Currently under the influence of this product at the time of writing this. Who knows? With enough of this in your system, you may actually think you're a funny guy who posts useless stuff on the internet that you pretend people read. Wait...
Highly Recommended.


...LOST ENERGY: The drink itself tastes nearly like Monster, but this drink has a cooler looking can. It's a grafitti-like murial with crazy eyeballs, stars, planets, clowns, and other things people on acid may see when they look in the mirror. Not my favorite, but not a bad choice, considering ...lost is a surf and skate supply company.







BAWLS: Like if Sprite and caffine had an illegitimate child, this drink rages on like an untamed lion high on PCP. Preferred by yours truely when I want to have some energy, but not go completely psycho *COUGHmonsterCOUGH*. Watch out though, if sensitive to Guarana, sugar, or other stimulants that may or may not be pretend. This has been known to make Powerbomb YO! a tad loopy. Great taste, plus a cool bottle.

Bawls drinkers are also very talented. Many are hardcore gamers, who in their spare time make works of art like this:

For the uninformed, that's the Quake 3 logo, done entirely in Bawls and Sugar-Free Bawls bottles. Beautiful.

But beware of the dark side of the force, oh my insomniatic one...

FULL THROTTLE: I saw a big display at White Castle for these, which came free with a Crave Case purchase. Then I realized who made Full Throttle: Coke. Because when I think energy drink, I think Coca Cola. They should have changed the name to 'Full Throttle: Tastes somewhat like Monster, but works like Hansen's Energy' or 'Full Throttle: We try to one-up Pepsi yet again, but fail miserably.' Allthough I will give them this: Coke Zer0 tastes a whole lot better than Pepsi 0ne. Pepsi dropped the ball on that one.

Coke also has another energy drink, KMX, which is ok, but not good enough to recommend or put down. Try at your own risk.




AMP: Once again trying to cash in on another super-cool, mondo-wow eXtreme craze, Mountain Dew sell themselves short again. It's basically Mountain Dew with extra sugar. Plus it didn't do well on the energy side for me. If MD is your thing, go for it, however at $2 a can and ALOT smaller than Monster, I'd avoid this one.

(ED. NOTE: Notice how BOTH Pepsi and Coke's energy drinks are on the naughty list this year? Maybe they should stick to making carbonated beverages that don't suck. I'm a Pepsi man, they could work on that *COUGHPepsiOneCOUGH*, but then again so could Coke *HACKTabHACK*. Man I need to get my throat checked.)

RED BULL:

The drink that started the whole craze, Red Bull sadly takes a back seat to the others now. Red Bull for me is a mixed bag: it works sometimes, other times I still feel myself succumbing to the forces of the Land of Nod. It tastes similar to all the others (or the others taste like Red Bull, whatever), and at $2 a can, there are better deals out there.

HANSEN'S ENERGY (OR ENERGADE):

Did you know Energade is French for 'doesn't do squat and tastes really bad?' 'Energy' tastes less like energy and more like 'Grand Canyon tour guide burrow's urine'. The 'orange' Energade tastes like flat Brand-X orange soda. Blech. Don't touch with a haz-mat suit.

And for you non-PC, slightly light in the loafers energy drink drinkers that are out there and can't find what you're looking for in the other drinks, there's this:

GAY ENERGY: No, I can't Photoshop that good. That's a real can. No comment here. Never had it. Won't say I never will. I'll try anything once. (Well, when it comes to beverages anyways...)
So there you have it, another wonderful post by me. Now go to your local gas station or techno coffee house and drink, drink, and be drunken.

Labels: food and drink, humor